There are a significant number of
couples that struggle with sexual problems especially the problem of sexual
desire, or more accurately the lack of it, among women who love their husbands.
These women are "willing"
to make love because they are in love with their husbands and want to meet his
need for sexual fulfillment. But since they do not share the same emotional
need, they do not "desire" to make love. Please note the difference
between willing and desire.
When one spouse has a sexual desire,
while the other is only willing to make love, a problem usually surfaces.
Sex, like all other emotional needs,
is fulfilled in the truest sense only when both spouses respond to each other
enthusiastically. Mere willingness is often not enough. Mutual sexual desire is
often necessary to provide sexual fulfillment to the one who has the need for
sex.
Perhaps you are apparently willing
to make love to your partner because you want him to be happy. But mere willingness
might not do the trick. If your partner is to feel sexually fulfilled, he wants
you to desire sex, just like he desires it. To some, sexual desire is
interpreted as evidence of love. But if your partner lacks desire, he/she may think
you are not in love with them.
Most women however do not place
sexual fulfillment among their top five emotional needs because of low levels
of testosterone, which primarily drives a man’s sexual desire.
Women tend not to "desire"
making love with their husbands as much as they are "willing" to make
love. One of my prime discoveries was that men and women, for whatever reasons,
tend to have emotional needs in a different order of priority, so what a man
needs from his wife, she usually doesn't need as much herself, and vice-versa.
The trick to a great marriage is to
meet an important emotional need for your spouse that may not be all that
important for you.
To have enjoyable marriages, couples
need to find a stroke of balance. Men may need to become more dynamic in conversation
and in expressing more heart-felt affection, while women need to become better
lovers and recreational companions.
When we want our spouse to flow at
our level of desire for sex, we need to create the conditions that allow our
partner to enjoy the experience effortlessly.
Here simple ways to enjoy sex with
less effort and to respond during the four
stages of the sexual experience.
1. AROUSAL
What does it take for you to
experience sexual arousal? This enjoyable experience is usually accompanied by
vaginal secretion of lubricating fluid, which prepares it for intercourse.
Without such physical preparation, and the emotional experience of arousal,
intercourse can be quite unpleasant for a woman.
Foreplay is usually essential in
bringing about sexual arousal in women, but the type of foreplay that leads to
arousal varies from woman to woman. In some cases, foreplay is two hours of
dynamic conversation and heartfelt affection with a heavy emphasis on kissing.
For others, it is a massage that
begins with non-erogenous zones and moves to sensuous touching of the breasts
and genitals. For yet others, it is a romantic movie, or dancing, or listening
to music together.
2. PLATEAU
Do you know how to reach sexual
plateau? The sexual experience of the plateau is a more intense sexual
sensation than arousal, and is accompanied by an involuntary tightening of the
vagina.
Many women find that intercourse
during sexual arousal can lead to the plateau when they voluntarily tighten the
vagina and thrust rapidly. They also find that a certain position can greatly
enhance the sexual stimulation, thereby making plateau during intercourse much
easier.
Once a woman knows how to experience
sexual arousal predictably and effortlessly, the next step will be to find the most
effective way to reach your sexual plateau and how to let the intercourse
sustain the plateau experience.
3. CLIMAX
Do you know how to climax? Once a
woman knows how to create sexual plateau predictably, a climax is usually easy
to achieve. Faster thrusting gets the job done for most women.
And, unlike most men, women can have
multiple orgasms, which mean that they can do it many times whenever they make
love.
4. RECOVERY
After you make love, does your
husband spend time talking to you and showing you affection?
Most women need at least 15 minutes
to recover after love-making. They should be held by their husbands while the
intense sexual experience subsides. If this stage is not completed correctly,
she often leaves the sexual experience very frustrated and is less likely to
want to repeat it.
The feeling of sexual desire prior
to arousal usually depends on having a positive experience in all four of these
stages whenever you make love.
Your sexual experiences of the
distant past would be relevant only if you had repeatedly bad experiences in
one or more of these stages, but even then, you can overcome their effect by
making your present experiences predictably enjoyable.
This analysis of the problem may
seem somewhat clinical and unromantic to you, but I have seen some remarkable
recoveries using it to create a treatment plan.
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