I Can’t Meet Husband’s Need For Sex – What Must I do?

There are a significant number of couples that struggle with sexual problems especially the problem of sexual desire, or more accurately the lack of it, among women who love their husbands. 

These women are "willing" to make love because they are in love with their husbands and want to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. But since they do not share the same emotional need, they do not "desire" to make love. Please note the difference between willing and desire.

When one spouse has a sexual desire, while the other is only willing to make love, a problem usually surfaces. 

Sex, like all other emotional needs, is fulfilled in the truest sense only when both spouses respond to each other enthusiastically. Mere willingness is often not enough. Mutual sexual desire is often necessary to provide sexual fulfillment to the one who has the need for sex. 

Perhaps you are apparently willing to make love to your partner because you want him to be happy. But mere willingness might not do the trick. If your partner is to feel sexually fulfilled, he wants you to desire sex, just like he desires it. To some, sexual desire is interpreted as evidence of love. But if your partner lacks desire, he/she may think you are not in love with them. 

Most women however do not place sexual fulfillment among their top five emotional needs because of low levels of testosterone, which primarily drives a man’s sexual desire. 

Women tend not to "desire" making love with their husbands as much as they are "willing" to make love. One of my prime discoveries was that men and women, for whatever reasons, tend to have emotional needs in a different order of priority, so what a man needs from his wife, she usually doesn't need as much herself, and vice-versa. 

The trick to a great marriage is to meet an important emotional need for your spouse that may not be all that important for you. 

To have enjoyable marriages, couples need to find a stroke of balance. Men may need to become more dynamic in conversation and in expressing more heart-felt affection, while women need to become better lovers and recreational companions. 

When we want our spouse to flow at our level of desire for sex, we need to create the conditions that allow our partner to enjoy the experience effortlessly. 

Here simple ways to enjoy sex with less effort and to respond during the four stages of the sexual experience. 

1.         AROUSAL

What does it take for you to experience sexual arousal? This enjoyable experience is usually accompanied by vaginal secretion of lubricating fluid, which prepares it for intercourse. Without such physical preparation, and the emotional experience of arousal, intercourse can be quite unpleasant for a woman. 

Foreplay is usually essential in bringing about sexual arousal in women, but the type of foreplay that leads to arousal varies from woman to woman. In some cases, foreplay is two hours of dynamic conversation and heartfelt affection with a heavy emphasis on kissing. 

For others, it is a massage that begins with non-erogenous zones and moves to sensuous touching of the breasts and genitals. For yet others, it is a romantic movie, or dancing, or listening to music together. 

2.         PLATEAU

Do you know how to reach sexual plateau? The sexual experience of the plateau is a more intense sexual sensation than arousal, and is accompanied by an involuntary tightening of the vagina.

Many women find that intercourse during sexual arousal can lead to the plateau when they voluntarily tighten the vagina and thrust rapidly. They also find that a certain position can greatly enhance the sexual stimulation, thereby making plateau during intercourse much easier. 

Once a woman knows how to experience sexual arousal predictably and effortlessly, the next step will be to find the most effective way to reach your sexual plateau and how to let the intercourse sustain the plateau experience. 

3.         CLIMAX

Do you know how to climax? Once a woman knows how to create sexual plateau predictably, a climax is usually easy to achieve. Faster thrusting gets the job done for most women. 

And, unlike most men, women can have multiple orgasms, which mean that they can do it many times whenever they make love. 

4.         RECOVERY

After you make love, does your husband spend time talking to you and showing you affection?

Most women need at least 15 minutes to recover after love-making. They should be held by their husbands while the intense sexual experience subsides. If this stage is not completed correctly, she often leaves the sexual experience very frustrated and is less likely to want to repeat it. 

The feeling of sexual desire prior to arousal usually depends on having a positive experience in all four of these stages whenever you make love. 

Your sexual experiences of the distant past would be relevant only if you had repeatedly bad experiences in one or more of these stages, but even then, you can overcome their effect by making your present experiences predictably enjoyable. 

This analysis of the problem may seem somewhat clinical and unromantic to you, but I have seen some remarkable recoveries using it to create a treatment plan.

Monkey Attacks Three Kids In Ikorodu

 The three children who suffered serious injuries following an unexpected attack by a monkey in Illado, Ikorodu, Lagos, are receiving treatment at the Shallom Hospital in the area, the Police in Lagos said on Thursday.

The children, attacked on Tuesday, are eight-year-old girl, Funmilayo Gbadegeshin, two siblings Roda and Emmanuel Alombo.

Eyewitnesses said that the monkey is owned by one Mrs Daniel, popularly known as “Iya Ibeji’ who also resides in Illado also.

Mr Babatunde Oyesola, one of the residents, who said he witnessed the incident, said that the monkey left the owner’s house and went into the Gbadegeshin’s home.

It attacked Funmilayo right in the parents’ home as she just returned from school.

He added that after the she was rescued and was rushed to a nearby hospital the monkey moved to another house belonging to Mr Alombo to attack Roda and Emmanuel.

The children had just returned from school also.

Oyesola said that neighbours on hearing the shout of the girl, felt she was being scolded by her older sister.

“The incident happened at about 4.30 p.m. when the children had just returned from school.

“I heard Funmilayo shouting and crying, so, I felt her sister was beating her for something she did, but when the cry did not stop, I decided to check what was happening myself.

“When I got there, I saw blood all over the place and saw a monkey jumping out from the window but because of what I saw, I had to save the girl first.

“We noticed that the vein on her right hand has been cut off and the blood was seriously rushing out of it,’’ he said.

Oyesola added that while Funmilayo was being attended to in the hospital, other children who were attacked by the monkey too were rushed in.

Another eyewitness, who pleaded anonymity, said the monkey had been attacking people in the area and that necessary precautions had not been taken by the owner.

The victim’s father, Mr Mojeed Gbadegeshin, who was away when the incident occurred, said he was called from work that the monkey had attacked his daughter.

“When I got to the hospital, I met a crowd and I was asked to go inside and see the state the monkey left my daughter.

“Afterwards the owner of the monkey came without uttering a word of sympathy and she only left with the monkey,’’ he said.

Gbadegeshin said that a report was made by well-wishers in the area to Igbogbo Barracks Police Division.

The police were said to have arrested the monkey and its owner.

Confirming the arrest, the Lagos State Police Command’s spokesman, DSP Kenneth Nwosu, said the owner and the monkey were already in custody.

“One of the children was badly injured and the other two were mildly injured but they are currently being treated.

“Also, necessary precautions will be taken to check such attacks by animals reared by people in communities.

“Necessary tests will be carried out on the children to ensure that the monkey is a healthy animal and that the children are free from any form of disease,’’ he said. (NAN)

- Source

“My Marriage Is On Fire”! …Wife Cries For Help

Please add your voice to this! One of our clients has an issue in her home and wants to seek your opinion their behalf.

Kemi’s husband receives long calls repeatedly from a particular female business partner almost everyday at odd hours of the night when the couple is in bed

; and sometimes just before dawn to wake him up.

The call log of the man is filled with calls – both missed and answered ones from the said woman. According to Kemi, “the conversations do not lead to any business transactions”. And she insists the must stop as they intrude into their home, especially at late hours.

The husband sometimes delete the call times of this ‘intruder’ from his phone log to avoid argument with his wife. But he argues that the woman caller is “just a friend” and a business partner and sees nothing wrong in the calls. According to him, “it is not an issue, and nothing is wrong!”

But Kemi will take none of these.

Sincerely, what do you advice this couple to do before the situation gets worse as the wife is threatening to receive her own calls too?

•   Should anyone be calling the opposite sex, especially a married person at night when that person is likely to be with his or her spouse?

•    Should business not be kept or left for business hours?

•  Should a married person indulge in late night calls with the opposite sex, even if it is for business?

•  Should a married person attend to such calls when he/she is with the partner in bed?

•  What is the ideal time to stop late night calls?

• Yes, how can this couple repair the trust in their marriage that is seemingly on trial?

Waiting to hear from you!

How To Talk To A Discouraged Husband Or Partner

Have you not noticed that there are times you are getting along perfectly with your partner and, without notice, something changes? He’s no longer attentive to your needs. He hasn’t asked you how you are in days or he struggles to do so. There is a cold wind blowing through your bedroom.

Sometimes, it feels like your man has left the building and he forgot to tell you he was going or when he was coming back. Even worse, you’re not sure if it’s your fault that he has pulled away.

Men often pull away, like rubber bands, when they are stressed because they prefer to deal with their problems alone. Some women do this too, but it is far more often with the men in relationships.

Most women can understand a man’s need to pull away but it still feels awful to be ignored, abandoned and neglected.

However, for a relationship to be truly fulfilling to a woman, she needs to learn how to deal with this strange and somewhat necessary behavior of men.

She also needs to learn to recognize what is legitimate “cave” behavior, and when he is simply trying to avoid conflict or responsibility.

When a man is upset or stressed, he will usually stop talking and go to his “cave.” No one else is allowed in that cave, not even his friends.

This doesn’t mean that there is a problem in the relationship. It simply means that he has a problem that he’s trying to solve and he isn’t ready to talk about it, or ask for help. In fact, asking for help is the last thing a man in his cave would do because he is in there trying to solve the problem on his own.

So much of male self-esteem is based in part on his ability to solve problems, and to accomplish the things necessary to be a good man, and partner. Once he has enough time to either come to a solution, or he realizes he needs assistance, he will usually come out.

If it feels like your partner has pulled away because of stress, the most helpful thing that you can do is to trust that he will return when he’s ready and able.

On the other hand, if you feel that there’s a bigger issue related to your relationship that he is avoiding, you need to communicate your feelings to him in a way that he is open to hearing.

Men and women have very different communication styles. Some women truly need to learn ways to encourage their husbands to talk about something they might be avoiding.

How many times have we offered a “helpful” comment to our partner only to have it blow up into a big misunderstanding?

 Here are 3 tips to remember when you are trying to talk to a man that is in his "cave"...


1.     Be Brief:
You may even practice what you want to say before talking to him. Yes, he is your husband, but he has his individuality.

2.     Be Specific:
Make sure that you are clear on what you want to say.

3.     Stay Positive: 
If you find yourself wanting to get angry, blame him, or argue, then this is the wrong time to talk. That is exactly the time to talk to a friend or someone you trust to fully express your feelings.