10 Ways To Manage In-Laws Problems

Fusing or blending into a new family is perhaps one of the toughest parts of marriage. In-laws can initially be intimidating and probably unfriendly and suspicious.  They have their own background, values, beliefs, traditions and perhaps a strange expectation of you.

From the moment you get married to your spouse, especially in an environment where the culture holds tightly to the extended family ties, it is obvious that you become stuck with your in-laws. Here's Dr. Phil's advice for dealing with your new extended family:

1.       There can be no divided loyalties. When you get married and start your own family, that's where your primary loyalty needs to be.

2.       Good fences make good neighbors. Your in-laws need to be your neighbors and there need to be really good fences up. Set boundaries about when they are and are not invited into your lives.

3.       You've got a finite amount of physical and emotional energy. If you're in-laws are draining you, you may need to change the boundaries. Reassure them that you are not closing them out, you are simply focusing on yourselves.

4.       Once you've set boundaries, talk to your parents about them. They're not as fragile as you may think.

5.       The other woman in every man's life is his mother. If your husband starts in with: "Well, my mother does it this way ..." then tell him to go over and sleep with her.

6.       If a wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it's the husband who needs to step in and help fix it. Likewise, if a husband doesn't see eye-to-eye with his in-laws, his wife needs to step in. The person with the primary relationship (the son or daughter, not the in-law) needs to be the messenger.

7.       Negotiate with your own partner the role that you want your in-laws to have. Don't assume you're on the same page until you talk about it.

8.       Try not to criticize your spouse for his/her relationship with his/her parents. It may only lead to more clinginess or complications.

9.       You need to love your parents, and have a rich and active relationship with them, but any time that you turn away from your partner to resolve a relationship issue, that's a bad thing. If you have a problem in the marriage, you need to resolve it in the marriage.

10.    Keep in mind that your parents only know what you tell them. If you go to them every time you're angry, and frustrated and having problems in your marriage, they hear that, but they don't hear when you make up.

How To Handle A Spouse's Verbal Abuse

Marriage essentially brings two people together, perhaps two people of different background, values, training and temperament. Yet, these people must become one for the marriage to succeed.

But several homes are a battle field, battle fields where words are the main and initial weapons and arrows cast at each other by couples. And words can indeed kill.

Many people are “killed” by the words of their spouse. A whole lot of others are verbally abused daily by the ones who professed and confessed before many that they would love their spouse till death do them part.

If this is your, case, know that there is a way out of verbal abuse. Here are some simple tips on how to respond to verbal abuse from a spouse, your spouse.

1.         Don’t Always Accept That Everything Is Your Fault 

In dealing with verbal abuse in a relationship with your spouse, it's important that you don't feel like or accept that you are at fault. That's the purpose of verbal abuse - it's to make you feel less than you are, and to feel like you're at fault, guilty and worthless. 

2.         Set Up Clear Boundaries With Your Spouse

This simply means you clearly spell out what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. If your partner calls you certain names or words that are unacceptable make sure that you communicate that to him or her.

You may probably need the support of people to affirm your position; people who your spouse respect or trust; people who can stand up to him/her to ensure the changes are made to address the verbal abuse.

3.         Always Keep The Back Door Open -"An Escape Plan"

Always ensure that you have an escape plan, a way to get out if things get out of hand and if the verbal abuse gets dangerous or if you feel unsafe. It is important that you can escape, that you can leave the situation.  Even if it is just simply walking out of the room and going into another room, it's critically important that you have that in place

It is also important for you to surround yourself with a network of friends, family and colleagues who you can turn to. You need an air of positive words after been bombarded with negativity.

4.         Do Not Engage in the Verbal Abuse

Sometimes, a verbal abuse is intended to draw you into a fight. Don’t fall for it or don't buy in to the verbal abuse.  You don't need to engage with the abusing spouse and escalate the situation. 

You may think that you'll feel better when you engage in the screaming or the name calling or you give it back to your partner.  That just escalates the situation and makes it worse.

Yes, There is a Solution and a Way Out of Verbal Abuse!

Perhaps the most important thing you must realize is that there is a solution, that there is a way out, and that solution begins with you. 

It is very important that you take control of your life, and set up boundaries that you can enforce that will protect you from the verbal abuse.

Have You Ever Taken Time To Just Be A Husband Or A Wife? 15 Minutes Each Day Is Enough

 

The present day realities where both spouses must work to keep the home going creates a lot of demand on couples and their marriages that many hardly have enough time for themselves. 

With work, kids, family, domestic chores, cooking, extracurricular activities, social engagements and so many other activities and tasks competing for attention and time, what time do couples have each day for anything else?

Fortunately, there is a solution. The answer to this is to commit just 1% of the time our available each day to being a couple. And that time is just 15 minutes each day. It is Couple Time Out!

The Couple Time Out is Essential

You need to make some time each day to be a couple instead of parents, employees and whatever other roles you play each day.

Your marriage is more important than your children or your career, so you need to start nourishing it.

Your marriage must come second (just behind your relationship with God if you share that belief), and it cannot be allowed to slide to any less priority in your everyday life.

And 15 Minutes is all it really takes!

Find 15 minutes just to sit without distractions and talk to your spouse about your day, your thoughts, your dreams and whatever else you feel like sharing as long as you are engaged in an intimate conversation.

And please be sure that your conversation doesn’t revolve around things that need to be done around the house, the kids’ school activities or any other “responsible” meeting topics.

This time is for you to talk about your individual thoughts and your desires as a couple, as husband and wife.

Yes, You Can Create the Time

The first step in this fun little adventure in romance is to identify where you’ll find your 15 minutes.

Well, it starts with the right perspective.

What if you found out that you had to spend 15 minutes each day getting a medical treatment that you needed to survive? Won’t you do it?

Less dramatically, what if you could voluntarily give this time to help your spouse achieve a great deal of happiness? Or pump up your own happiness, get rid of stress and feel fulfilled?

You can find the time. After all, we are literally only talking about 1% of your day here!

To help you begin, here are some areas where you might be able to find some time to cut from:

• Watch less television and movies (Let the movie - magic be your spouse)
• Cut out 15 minutes of needless and mindless web surfing (the web never runs away!)
• Check Facebook less often or put whatsapp aside for a while
• Focus at work so you can leave a bit earlier to get home on time
• Only check your email twice per day (this can be a HUGE time saver)
• Cut down on video games
• Exercise at home with your spouse instead of driving to the gym
• Put the kids to bed 15 minutes early
• Wake up 15 minutes early

Your other responsibilities can easily wait for a small 15 minutes. Note that this is your sacred time for each other and the key to staying connected in your marriage. Don’t trade it for the world!

Let your goal be focused on appreciating each other as a couple for at least a short time each week. Spending just 15 minutes being a couple each day will make you feel closer than ever.

Truly, it’s not hard to be Romantic after all!

I Can’t Meet My Spouse's Need For Sex – What Must I do? (Part 1)

Sex is one of the strongest bonds that keep a marriage relationship strong. But what happens when you are not able to meet your spouse’s sex need?

Some couples may have tried several unproductive tactics to improve their spouse’s sexual interest, including arguing once in a while and perhaps threatening separation. Such methods hardly ever work. So what must you do? 

Usually and in some cases, the inability to meet ones spouse’s need for sex is tied to childhood experiences. But holding onto past experiences or trying to resolve childhood issues does not lead to great sex between a husband and wife. In many cases, it actually worsens the condition.

Work on Your Relationship

One of the greatest sexual inhibitors is a bad relationship. If you not getting along very well with your spouse, your primary concern should be to resolve your marital conflicts by taking each others feelings into account.

Even having more or better sex will not help resolve a bad relationship. When a couple has a bad relationship, I do not begin by encouraging more sex.

Fix the relationship first, and 90% of the cases, sexual problems disappear, with or without unresolved childhood experiences.

Show More of Affection

The level of affection also affects the quality of sexual satisfaction among couples. But is affection the same as sex? No!

Affection is the expression of love with hugs, kisses, cards, flowers, gifts and with words such as "I love you!" Affection is not only expressed in marriage, it is also expressed to your children, your parents and, sometimes, your pets. It is our way of telling people that we care for them and that we will be there for them when they need us.

Men and women need affection. Indeed, everyone wants to know they are loved. But women seem to need affection - the expression of love, more often than men. That is why men usually don't show it as often as women need.

But to have a great sex life, even if you are a macho man, you can learn to do and show it as often your spouse wants you to.

Remember that sex is a completely different need than affection. While it also should be met in marriage, sex and affection should not be confused.

A lot of people (especially men) who do not have much of a need for affection tend to use affection as an opportunity for sex. They show affection only when they make love, but rarely at other times. This obviously causes their spouse to react with resentment.

Your spouse will feel used when you are affectionate only when you want sex. When a person feels like a sex toy, he/she would never give the best they can.

Affection should not be reserved only for moments of sex. Yes, you may also be affectionate when you make love, but sex should be a special occurrence in an environment of affection.