If you're
reading a report about how to save your marriage, you're probably expecting to
learn problem-solving strategies, communication techniques, and insights about
gender differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!
The key
to renewing your marriage is NONE of those things.
How do I
know this? Because I experienced it!
Unlike
other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective,
for me saving and restoring marriages is also very personal. I've been where
you are now. I'd like to share with you my story.
My wife
and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking,
surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code
words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.
But then
something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he
was one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.
Understandably,
my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each
other emotionally.
Your
situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How
did you lose each other? Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but something
is definitely not right. That's common too.
For us,
after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all
night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code
words, we used curse words. Our
relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.
Somewhere
deep in our hearts though, like you, we knew we didn't want to lose each other.
So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife
didn't. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn't. We went through different stages
of "trying."
What did
we try?
We tried
the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I
understood you correctly." We applied conflict resolution strategies. My
wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to
wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.
All the
advice (books, counselors, whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But
that just made us feel worse. And fight more.
As long
as the "right" way wasn't working, why not be dysfunctional? So we
tried to convince each other of our way. You've tried that too, right?
Obviously, that doesn't work.
Then we
had a breakthrough.
We
decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We
didn't talk about them at all. We didn't bring them up even once. Instead, we
put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship techniques
that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell
in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as
they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive
energy to our marriage.
This is
the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to
STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy doing specific relationship
building activities.
It's
counter-intuitive, but if you do this, most of your problems will dissipate,
the threat of divorce will go away, and the other people invading your marriage
will become irrelevant.
Before you
deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with your spouse.
And this is doable even in the most difficult marital situations.
If your
marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about the
affair, the attention you're not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off,
trying to solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY
that you'll ever find resolution.
Now you
can see why a Marriage revival programme is fundamentally different from any
other approach to relationship success. It's not about conflict-resolution or
communication skills because these are NOT the key to saving a marriage. The
key is NOT to fix what's wrong. The key is to make new things right.
And there
are, in fact, specific things you can do, with or without your spouse, to make
things right in your marriage.
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