5 Ways to Create Gentle Conversation with Your Spouse

Are you anxious to be heard? Would you like someone to sit patiently while you tell them what is bothering you? Do you long for someone to hear your heart, more than just the words you are saying?
Most would answer ‘yes’ to those two questions. Most people are anxious to tell you what is on their hearts. They really simply want someone to care enough to ask them gentle questions. The key word here is ‘gentle.’
1.         Remain curious, not challenging:    We never want to feel challenged when having a dialogue with our mate or others. We want to feel encouraged to share more. We want to be assured that others really care about us, about our heart, and what we are thinking and feeling.

2.         Be wary of ‘the why question’:        While asking questions can be a great way to encourage dialogue, there are certain questions that can immediately shut a conversation down. Asking someone why they did what they did, or feel what they feel, can feel threatening. Something seemingly as innocuous as “Why did you leave the bread on the counter?” can feel challenging, shaming and is likely to evoke a defensive response. Be very careful in asking ‘why’ questions.

3.         Encourage sharing:   Being careful of asking ‘why’ questions, you can encourage your mate to tell you more about something. “I’d like to hear more about what happened at the meeting today.” Gently probing, being mindful of cues your mate gives regarding their desire to share more, will help you.

4.         Make note of when they are done sharing:      We all reach a saturation point where we are ready to stop talking about something. A dialogue is a dance, and we must be careful not to step on our mate’s toes. Watch for cues that suggest he/ she is done sharing. Allow for times of silence or pauses in a conversation.

5.         Be willing to reciprocate:      We share to the depth and degree that others share with us. Be willing to share your own feelings and reactions as your mate is sharing their feelings and thoughts. Again, watch for the dance. Notice the give and take.