Are You Still In Love With Your Spouse? (Signs You Are Fallen Out of Love With Your Spouse)

 

Love and Challenges

Over the course of a long-term relationship, it is not uncommon for one person to question occasionally whether they are still in love with the other. Marriage poses unique challenges.

Falling Out of Love

If you find yourself wondering whether you've fallen out of love with your partner, you may want to consider the following: 

·        Are you still able to recall your past memories with affection, fondness, or a sense of what drew you to him or her? Couples who are happy, or who have the potential to be happy, are able to recall their past fondly, even after life throws them some curveballs. 

·        You may want to ask, is there are part of me that still feels an ember burning, no matter how small it is? If there is still some kindling of love or affection, it may be possible to reignite it with the right support and communication.

Why Have You Fallen Out of Love?

·        Are there experiences that have occurred in our years together that have damaged my love and my trust for my partner? Past traumas such affairs, betrayals and unresolved conflict can often erode the love between two people, and give the impression of a love lost. 

If this is the case, it may be difficult for you to decipher how many of these issues are from lack of love, versus issues that need to be addressed. If you're inclined to see your partner's characteristics or behaviors through a negative lens, chances are you can no longer see the relationship clearly, due to unresolved hurts.

Love vs. Not in Love

In a nutshell, it can be very difficult to tell if you're in love or out of love. We live in a society that promotes divorce and provides unrealistic images as to what love should look like.

If you're in marriage relationship, if you have children, the best way to answer this question is to let your partner know that you're asking it - and then request that they attend couples therapy with you. 

Unhappy spouses are notorious for not bringing issues to your partner until things reach a breaking point beyond repair. Wondering if you're still in love with your partner is an important question to ask yourself, but even more important is to let them know that you're struggling with this question. 

Let them know that you're trying to understand why you're having these feelings, in order to see if they can be addressed.

Relationships take years to build and only moments to shatter. It's always best to not act rashly.

Top 7 Warning Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble

In most cases, especially in divorces, one spouse is caught off guard when the union finally breaks. That is why it pays, to pay attention to what is going on in your marriage.

Getting comfortable with the status quo and taking things for granted is one of the biggest mistakes married couples make. Below is a list of warning signs of a marriage in trouble.

1. You no longer, have anything in common.

Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in meaningful conversation? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major marital problems.

2. You Are Always Wrong.

Do you feel like your every action is being watched and criticized by your partner? Can you do no right in their eyes? Do you feel intimidated or afraid because of your partner’s constant criticism? Too often partners will funnel larger relationship issues into negative criticism of day-to-day tasks.

3. You are the last to know.

Is you partner no longer sharing information with you about his career, personal problems or personal achievements? Is your partner sharing this information with a friend and you hear it second hand? When you become the last to know important information there has been a huge breakdown in communication.

4. Indifferent About personal appearance.

Over time, your comfort level will inevitably end that desire to look "perfect" for every encounter with your partner. However, a drastic decline in personal appearance and hygiene by your spouse could be a sign of they no longer care or, are happy in the marriage.

5. Hiding Away From the problems.

If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.

6. Repeated Arguments Over trivial issues.

If your arguments become routine with all the same issues and no resolution, then your marriage is either standing still or dying fast. You may need the assistance of a counselor to help find solutions to the problems that don't seem to go away.

7. Intimacy no longer matters to you.

A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognized symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows us to bond as husband and wife. If your partner is showing no or very little interest intimacy with you then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you as a husband/wife.

Top 10 Causes Of Marital Discord

 

Below is a list of common sources of marital stress and conflict; consider how you are currently dealing with these issues, and how you could better deal with these issues:

1.         Money problems.

Most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues. How you decide to deal with money problems in your marriage will determine whether these problems have a negative or positive effect on your marriage.

2.         Children.

Discipline, diet, and other parenting issues can be sources of disagreement between couples. A child could become the number one source of pressure in a marriage and can accentuate differences in beliefs on issues like how to discipline, who is responsible for most of the child care or what educational options to choose.

3.         Sex.

Frequency, quantity, quality, and infidelity are all common sources of stress and disharmony in a marriage.

4.         Time apart.

Time apart and a lack of quality time together serves to get people out of sync with each other.

5.         Household Responsibilities.

Many couples argue over equitable distribution of household work, and how to do it. Instead of sitting down and dividing household chores fairly they quibble over who did or didn’t do what.

6.         Friends.

Not all friends are helpful to relationships some of them are toxic. Be sure you know the difference between a friend who will enhance your relationship and one who will break it down.

7.         Irritating habits.

Many people are married to someone who has one or more habits they find undesirable. My ex never got angry with me. I ask him once why and told him there had to be things I did that irritated him. He responded by telling me he “loved everything about me.”

This was shortly before he decided he no longer loved me! So, don’t be afraid to point out habits that irritate you, just be sure you do it in a non-defensive way.

8.         Family.

In-laws, siblings, children and step-children can all create stress within a marriage. When coping with negative issues because of family step gently. Our spouse should come first but there are times you have to be willing to take a backseat and bite your tongue. 

9.         Expectations.

We all go into marriage with certain expectations. Most of the time, marriage is the opposite of what we expected. We romanticize marriage and become disillusioned once those romantic expectations aren’t met. Unmet expectations are a major source of conflict in marriages.

10.       Personality conflicts.

Is your personality ruining your marriage? There are personality traits that can doom a marriage to failure. Are you a conflict avoider? Do you like to “one-up your spouse? Do you bend over backwards to please your spouse, neglecting your needs in the process? If you answered yes to any of these, your need to work on changes these negative personality traits.

Each of the above is a very common problem dealt with in a marriage. Although they are problems, they can also be opportunities for growth, learning and accord. Whether these issues remain problems causing stress in your marriage or become an opportunity for growth is up to you.

ARE YOU LIVING IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE? The Effects of Placidity & Rigidity on Sex in Marriage – Part 3

 Common Causes & Solution for a Sexless Marriage:

1.         Too Busy For Sex:

Working, paying the bills, household chores and parenting responsibilities can wear both spouses down. These are the most common reasons one or both spouses spend less time thinking about and engaging in sex.

Solution:

•           Make time for rest and relaxation.

•           Understand that if there is no intimate bond between you and your spouse, all that hard work is for nothing.                                                                  

In today’s society, we work very hard at maintaining our lifestyle but so readily put off working on maintaining our relationships. In the end the lifestyle you are working so hard to maintain means nothing if you lose the relationship.

2.         Lack of Communication:

A lot of couples don’t talk about sex. Some are just too spiritual to mention the word sex. It is as if we believe sex is an action you take but not a subject you discuss.

Solution:

a.         It is healthy to let your spouse know what you do and don’t like when it comes to the sex act.

b.         It is also healthy to let your partner know if you are less than satisfied with your sexual relationship. More sex talk can lead to more sex in the marriage!

3.         Depression:

Lack of sex or lost sex drive can be caused by depression. There are many reasons why your spouse may feel depressed.

Solution:

a.         If your spouse is dealing with depression let him/her know that you are there to support them and will work through the depression with them.

b.         Insist that a professional treat the depression.

c.         Offer your support but make it clear that you will not accept your spouse ignoring their condition and not seeking help.

4.         Childhood Sexual Abuse:

 In many cases, people who had been sexually molested early in life tend to develop a distorted view of sex and intimacy. Neither is safe ground and until they deal with the molestation suffered as a child, their marriages and spouse will suffer.

Solution:

If you are in such a situation, it is important to understand that your spouse needs your support. If he/she refuses to acknowledge and deal with the problem, you have a choice to make. Either learn to live with the lack of sex in your marriage or seek help from trusted cousellors.

5.         Lack of attraction for one’s spouse:

It would hurt to hear your spouse say they do not find you attractive. Again, I want to stress that this is not something you should internalize. Just because your spouse does not find you attractive does not mean you are not attractive.

Solution:

The chemistry we feel for our spouse can fade and flow. It is not unusual in a marriage to go through periods where we feel a lack of desire for our spouse. What you have to do when faced with this issue is determine if there is still love present.

•           If your spouse loves you but is going through a phase and not feeling that old spark I suggest you work at rekindling the spark.

•           Work together as a couple at bringing back a little romance and connecting both emotionally and physically.

EXERCISE…It’s Not Just For Great Hips!

A lot of women, especially wives, desire to look good, fit and trim. Many admire the catwalk of model on stage and wish they could fit into the clothes of these models. But having a great body sometimes comes down to exercise and your willingness to stay in shape.

 

But exercise isn't simply all about fitting oneself into great clothes. Perhaps you hate to exercise. Even the promise of a weight loss or an Omotola Ekiende / Angela Jolie look won’t be enough to lure or move you to the gym.

Well, here are more important benefits of getting at least 30mins of activity/ workout five days a week.

• Exercise Lowers Heart Disease risk by 40% 
• Exercise Lowers Breast Cancer risk by 20%
• Exercise Lowers Depression risk by 30%
• Exercise Lowers Hypertension risk by 40%
• Exercise Lowers Type 2 Diabetes risk by 58%

So, let’s hit the roads and do some workout!

Stats from American College of Sports Medicine

ARE YOU LIVING IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE? The Effects of Placidity & Rigidity on Sex in Marriage – Part 2

 

When a spouse is no longer excited about love making then there is a problem. This leads to other untoward behaviours and attitude at home.

According to Mrs. Temitope Oludare Edun, “If the behaviour of a sex partner in marriage is not often appreciated or accepted, it would lead to disagreement and disaffection. Sex must be tenderly presented to the spouse, especially the woman. And the woman must show willingness on her part. They should seek out varieties of sex positions and methods and make the experience enjoyable”.

Click Here To Read: The Effects of Placidity & Rigidity on Sex in Marriage – Part 1

Placidity and rigidity or being sexless is very common among people who engage in stressful work, which drags for long hours and leaves them tired.  But it may also be attributed to character problem. 

Some women find it hard to submit to their husbands, especially if he is unable to meet the economic needs of the home. It is even worse if marital sex is denied on this ground. It denigrates the institution and kills the personality of the man and may affect his commitment to the home.

To Ola Aiyeleso, a resident pastor in Akure, Nigeria, “Many problems in marriage resulting from sex issues are caused because couples refuse to respect the marriage institution. Sex is a vital part of marriage. How can we produce children without it? God have perfected sex and packaged it to be lovely and beautiful. We mess it up when we refuse to honour the word of God concerning marriage”.

Adding credence to this, Pastor (Mrs.) Abosode Akande of Praise Assembly Church, Oregun, Ikeja, Lagos emphasized that sexuality issues are not given its deserved place in many marriages, that is why crisis abound in such homes. 

Akande who is also a nurse and a marriage counselor said, “Disrespect for marriage laws have led to separation of several couples leading to divorce. A man or woman should know the role of sex and render it to the partner as at when due or when it is requested. This is biblical, and should be done in a decent and honourable way.

A woman’s submissiveness to her husband can sometimes be traced to sex issues and how much of it is rendered or denied. Sex is not only about having children; but it involves how couples handle their legitimate God given desires towards each other”. 

Speaking further, Aiyeleso suggested that the problem of sexless marriage is widespread, even among the ministers of God. 

“Even the men of God are not left out of this problem. Many pastors’ wives complain about their husbands not meeting their sex needs and that is why we have heard cases of pastor’s wives committing adultery.

Having a sexless marriage is a serious issue that many people seem not to reckon with. Some men are starving their wives of sex while some women are too big for their husbands to touch, especially when they are richer than their husbands”.

Is there a way to fix a sexless marriage? Is there a cure for placidity and rigidity? Perhaps yes, maybe no. Being able to fix the problem depends on what is causing the problem. Identifying what is causing the lack of sex is your first step; secondly, you must take steps at finding solutions for the causes.

Monalisa Chinda's Traditional Wedding Photos

Popular Nollywood actress, Monalisa Chinda got married to her heartrob, Victor Tonye Coker in a colourful traditional wedding in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, Nigeria on Saturday 29th February, 2016.

The ceremony that took place at the bride's family house attracted several celebrities.

 

Marriage Alive Digest celebrates Monalisa and Victor and wishes them a prosperous married life. We pray this does not end as another Scene 1, Act 2. Congratulates!

 

See more pictures here: Official Photos

How To Resolve Marriage Conflicts So Both Spouses Win

 

When people are in conflict, the usually aim is to see who wins and who loses. It is the same thing in marriage. It is either spouse wants to win or see the other loses.

But can a couple in conflict ever reach a win/win solution? What if a husband gets a new job in a different state that is going to make his life easier and the family's life easier, but the wife doesn't think it would be a wise move? 

They spend over a month in heated debate on why they should go or why they should stay. Both have legitimate reasons for their arguments, but they are clearly nowhere near a win/win solution. 

What do they do? How can they possibly reach a win/win solution when they are so far apart? Do they even need to reach a win/win solution? 

If these questions don't seem to have an answer, then try this one:

• Are you, as a married couple on the same team?

Hopefully your answer is yes, "we are on the same team". 

If you truly believe you're on the same team, then try answering the original question again. Is there ever a scenario where the resolution of your conflict might end up being a win/lose solution? If you're on the same team, then you know what the answer is … NO! 

Think about the St. Louis Rams. They're a sports team and we are all comfortable with the fact that they ALL win and they ALL lose as teammates. Kurt Warner could throw for 800 yards, 17 touchdowns, 500 rushing yards, and 9 rushing TD's; but if the Rams ultimately lose the game, then it doesn't matter how great Kurt played he still gets a loss like the rest of the team. 

Lionel Messi of Barcelona FC is arguably the best football paler in the world. Most times, he single-handedly carries his team and does all the scoring. But the whenever they win in spite of the fact that he might of scored, he still loses with his team.

If a married couple is on the same "team" then it must be true for them as well. If one person in a marriage feels like the solution is a "loss" then the whole team loses. It would be terribly confusing if the NFL gave Kurt and the offense a win for the game and the defense a loss. It wouldn't be logical. Or could Messi be awarded a win when Barcelona loses just because he scored two beautiful goes? Certainly no! The same logic must apply to a marriage.

So how do you reach a win/win solution? 

When two people get into an argument, usually they have their own solution to the problem (Solution A & Solution B). Sometimes they can agree to compromise (Solution AB), but here, no one really wins. It's like a half win because they both give in some. On the other hand, a win/win solution is when both individuals brainstorm several additional solutions (C-G) by letting them go like balloons up in the air.

At first, you do not evaluate the possible solutions (C-G). After all ideas are "up in the air" then both individuals evaluate and determine if there is one solution that they both like (Solution E for example). 

This is different than a compromise because instead of both giving in, they find a different solution that is acceptable. They leave their original impasse (Solutions A & B), and find another answer that they both agree is the best solution to their problem. Thus, they reach a "win/win" resolution.

Sometimes a "win/win" can be one or both of the original solutions (A and/or B). The main point is that both agree that the solution is the best choice; thus, it's a WIN for the relationship!  

See how quickly a solution can appear once two people share their needs and feelings. Sometimes, however, we may not understand or even see an obvious solution. This is why when trying to determine the best solution for a problem, it still must be done in honour. 

Sometimes, when you cannot decide upon a solution, you may need to go back and do LUV Talk some more. If you remain persistent, most conflicts can be resolved.

ARE YOU LIVING IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE? The Effects of Placidity & Rigidity on Sex in Marriage – Part 1

 

Are you living in a “sexless marriage?” Is there less sex than you feel is appropriate? A sexless marriage is one in which a spouse feels there isn’t enough sex or there is no sex at all.

To be clear, if you want sex every night and your spouse only wants sex three times a week, you are not living in a sexless marriage. But if you want sex every night or three times a week and your spouse wants sex once in six weeks, you are living in a sexless marriage.

Your spouse may disagree. Having sex once a month or once every three months may fulfill their need for sex. In their mind they are not living is a sexless marriage because their needs are being met.

The problem lies when there is a huge difference in the sexual needs of spouses. The definition of a sexless marriage is not dependent upon whether or not there is no sex in the marriage but on the effects of differing sex drives in the marriage.  Some couples are rigid when it comes to sex while some are outright placid and disinterested.

For example, Akin could care less about sex. He had even told Ufuoma, his wife that he didn’t know “what the big deal was about sex.” Akin was quite happy and content having sex every three months.

Ufuoma, on the other hand fully understood what the “big deal” was. She had a healthy sexual appetite and meeting her sexual needs meant sex at least three times a week, not every three months.

Ufuoma had no control over getting her needs met though because when it came to sex, Akin was calling all the shots. Sex was on his terms because in his mind they had a healthy sex life. After all, his needs were met and to him that meant there were no problems.

Situations like the one above are very common. It is estimated that 1 out of 5 marriages are “sexless.” Imagine being trapped in Ufuoma’s marriage, one in which a husband withholds sex or perhaps it is the wife who locks up and gives the key to the Central Bank. Maybe you are and are familiar with feeling undesirable, unattractive and unwanted by your spouse.

If so, the first thing you have to do is not internalize your spouse’s low libido. Do not make it about your level of attractiveness or desirability. It is not about you, it is about them.

In the opinion of Mrs. Ayodele Funmilayo, a medical nurse from Igoble Ekiti, Ekiti State, Nigeria, “The lack of understanding has destroyed many homes. The man must know what the woman needs in bed and the woman on her part should respond. If the feelings are not mutual or are not jointly enjoyed, then there would be conflict and discord.

“Sex in marriage is sweet and it is an integral part of marriage. In fact, to some couples, sex is like food that must be served everyday”.

In the view of Dr. Olarenwaju Ogini, the publisher of Consumer Guide Nigeria, if sex is out of marriage then there is bound to be trouble and discord. “How can you take sex out of marriage? The main issue in any good marriage is sex, which is the art of love making. Both partners must surrender and have mutual consent to do it as they wish. If this is not done, then that union is treading towards disintegration”.

A lot of marriages are troubled by placidity and rigidity on the part of either the husband or the wife. Indeed, one of the worse things that can happen in a marriage is when either couple no longer enjoys sex with the partner. 

To be continued in part 2

Wearing Tight Clothing Is Dangerous

Different fashion trends keep evolving and people keep changing with them. One of the trends that have remained appealing to many people, including he married folks now, is wearing tight clothing. 

People of various shapes and sizes seem to enjoy and revel in this trend. Many of the fashionista wants to look fit and trim. But regardless of the so-called fabulous look of such clothes, there are indeed dangerous, pains and health risks from wearing tight clothing.

If you are a mother who wants to look like adolescence, you must appreciate that there are many health risks involved in squeezing yourself into tight fitting clothes.

Studies by medical practitioners have done have shown that “tight fitting” clothing including skinny jeans can cause a nerve condition called meralgia paresthetica, which is also referred to as “tingling thigh syndrome”.

According to the Canadian Medical Association Journal, “tingling thigh syndrome” causes a burning sensation under the hip bone. This could cause numbness and tingling in the legs. 

Folliculitus, a type of skin irritation was also associated excessively-tight jeans. It is common to see many people with such clothing. 

A very common danger which was discovered with women wearing ‘tight fitting’ clothing is yeast infection

can also get a yeast infection. A yeast infection thrives in a warm, moist place and they can be itchy, painful, and irritating. Tight clothing doesn’t provide enough airflow to particular areas and as it becomes moist, the wearer ends up with a terrible case of yeast infection.

The pressure of the tight clothing pushes against the stomach which  causes intra-abdominal pressure, explained  Barbara Kasey Smith of Helium, an online journal. As a result of wearing tight fitting clothing, the acid from your stomach squirts back into your esophagus, which gives you a terrible case of heartburn.

Have you ever been wearing a pair of tight jeans and felt faint? When garments are so tight around the middle area of the body, it can cause the chest not to fully expand causing breathing to be shallow. It has also been known to decrease oxygen intake and result in a person fainting.

Tight fitting clothing is also harmful for men because it can cause infertility in them and the testicles can also suffer damage.

Think before you slip into your next tight clothing article because it can be risky for your health. We all like to think we look curvy and sexy in our tight fitting jeans but actually we are causing damage to our bodies in many areas. Wouldn’t you rather save yourself all the suffering and pain and wear clothes that are comfortable and fit well?

Look for more forgiving cuts with looser legs and thighs, straight leg jeans give you the lean look without the tight fit of skinny jeans. You can opt for jeans with more stretch in them.

—Fashion and  medical online journals

IVF (TEST TUBE BABY) HAS COME TO STAY

 With the increasing number of couples finding hard to bear children naturally, the demand for alternative methods, especially the IVF have been heightened. This is also buoyed by advancement in medical science and perhaps the renewed awareness of the success of IVF. 

IVF (in-vitro fertilization) is simply the uniting of egg and sperm in vitro (in the lab). Subsequently the embryos are transferred into the uterus. With IVF, a method of assisted reproduction, a man's sperm and the woman's egg are combined in a laboratory dish (in vitro), where fertilization occurs. The resulting embryo is then transferred to the woman's uterus (womb) to implant and develop naturally. 

 

Usually, 2-3 embryos are placed in the woman's uterus at one time through the cervix. Prior to IVF, stimulation drugs are administered to the female partner to stimulate the growth of eggs and some ultrasound scans are done to monitor to the stimulation. On the day of the procedure the male partner will produce a semen sample and then the laboratory takes over from there.

A positive pregnancy test after two weeks of a successful embryo transfer means that pregnancy has occurred.

The first successful IVF procedure took place in 1977 in the United Kingdom which led to the safe delivery of Louise Brown. Louise Brown was born at Oldham General Hospital, Oldham, by planned Caesarean section delivered by registrar John Webster. She weighed 5 pounds, 12 ounces (2.608 kg) at birth.

 Her parents, Lesley and John Brown, had been trying to conceive for nine years. They faced complications of blocked fallopian tubes.

On 10 November 1977, Lesley Brown underwent a procedure, later to become known as IVF, developed by Patrick Steptoe and Robert Edwards. Edwards was awarded the 2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine for this work. 

Although the media referred to Brown as a "test tube baby", her conception actually took place in a Petri dish. Her younger sister, Natalie Brown, was also conceived through IVF four years later, and became the world's fortieth IVF baby. In May 1999, Natalie was the first IVF baby to give birth herself—naturally—to daughter Casey. Louise conceived naturally, and her son was born on 20 December 2006. 

More than three decades later, more than five million babies have been delivered through the test tube baby procedure. More than 61,000 babies born in the USA in 2012 were conceived via IVF - hitting a record high, a report shows.

Furthermore, IVF or test tube baby procedure has been available in Nigeria for more than a decade and many families have been completed through the use of this procedure.

Trying to get pregnant for 12 months of unprotected sexual intercourse and no results, such a person should seek the help of a gynecologist or IVF specialist. The reason for the delay may be due to some reproductive issues either in the female or male partner or both. Furthermore, sometimes there may be no reasons for the delay and what may be needed would be just a little intervention to achieve pregnancy.

IVF was most likely to be successful in women under 35, with 46.7 percent of cycles resulting in pregnancy and 40.7 percent resulting in live birth. Women aged above 42 had the lowest success rate, with 8.6 percent of cycles resulting in pregnancy and 3.9 percent resulting in live birth. However, donor eggs from younger women can be donated and used for older women to improve their chance of achieving pregnancy.

Many are concerned about congenital abnormalities and long term health of babies conceived through IVF procedure. Although these fears are real, most reports concern a limited number of pregnancies and estimates of malformation risks are often uncertain. 

If you are in this position of trying to achieve pregnancy and no joy, please go see a fertility consultant to put you through all you need to do to carry your own baby. Better information leads to better informed patients and better treatments.

                                                   

Femi Olaifa

08023909342 (laifus@yahoo.com)

Senior Embryologist

The Roding Reproductive Centre (RoRC)