How To Resolve Marriage Conflicts So Both Spouses Win

 

When people are in conflict, the usually aim is to see who wins and who loses. It is the same thing in marriage. It is either spouse wants to win or see the other loses.

But can a couple in conflict ever reach a win/win solution? What if a husband gets a new job in a different state that is going to make his life easier and the family's life easier, but the wife doesn't think it would be a wise move? 

They spend over a month in heated debate on why they should go or why they should stay. Both have legitimate reasons for their arguments, but they are clearly nowhere near a win/win solution. 

What do they do? How can they possibly reach a win/win solution when they are so far apart? Do they even need to reach a win/win solution? 

If these questions don't seem to have an answer, then try this one:

• Are you, as a married couple on the same team?

Hopefully your answer is yes, "we are on the same team". 

If you truly believe you're on the same team, then try answering the original question again. Is there ever a scenario where the resolution of your conflict might end up being a win/lose solution? If you're on the same team, then you know what the answer is … NO! 

Think about the St. Louis Rams. They're a sports team and we are all comfortable with the fact that they ALL win and they ALL lose as teammates. Kurt Warner could throw for 800 yards, 17 touchdowns, 500 rushing yards, and 9 rushing TD's; but if the Rams ultimately lose the game, then it doesn't matter how great Kurt played he still gets a loss like the rest of the team. 

Lionel Messi of Barcelona FC is arguably the best football paler in the world. Most times, he single-handedly carries his team and does all the scoring. But the whenever they win in spite of the fact that he might of scored, he still loses with his team.

If a married couple is on the same "team" then it must be true for them as well. If one person in a marriage feels like the solution is a "loss" then the whole team loses. It would be terribly confusing if the NFL gave Kurt and the offense a win for the game and the defense a loss. It wouldn't be logical. Or could Messi be awarded a win when Barcelona loses just because he scored two beautiful goes? Certainly no! The same logic must apply to a marriage.

So how do you reach a win/win solution? 

When two people get into an argument, usually they have their own solution to the problem (Solution A & Solution B). Sometimes they can agree to compromise (Solution AB), but here, no one really wins. It's like a half win because they both give in some. On the other hand, a win/win solution is when both individuals brainstorm several additional solutions (C-G) by letting them go like balloons up in the air.

At first, you do not evaluate the possible solutions (C-G). After all ideas are "up in the air" then both individuals evaluate and determine if there is one solution that they both like (Solution E for example). 

This is different than a compromise because instead of both giving in, they find a different solution that is acceptable. They leave their original impasse (Solutions A & B), and find another answer that they both agree is the best solution to their problem. Thus, they reach a "win/win" resolution.

Sometimes a "win/win" can be one or both of the original solutions (A and/or B). The main point is that both agree that the solution is the best choice; thus, it's a WIN for the relationship!  

See how quickly a solution can appear once two people share their needs and feelings. Sometimes, however, we may not understand or even see an obvious solution. This is why when trying to determine the best solution for a problem, it still must be done in honour. 

Sometimes, when you cannot decide upon a solution, you may need to go back and do LUV Talk some more. If you remain persistent, most conflicts can be resolved.