How To Resolve Marriage Conflicts So Both Spouses Win

 

When people are in conflict, the usually aim is to see who wins and who loses. It is the same thing in marriage. It is either spouse wants to win or see the other loses.

But can a couple in conflict ever reach a win/win solution? What if a husband gets a new job in a different state that is going to make his life easier and the family's life easier, but the wife doesn't think it would be a wise move? 

They spend over a month in heated debate on why they should go or why they should stay. Both have legitimate reasons for their arguments, but they are clearly nowhere near a win/win solution. 

What do they do? How can they possibly reach a win/win solution when they are so far apart? Do they even need to reach a win/win solution? 

If these questions don't seem to have an answer, then try this one:

• Are you, as a married couple on the same team?

Hopefully your answer is yes, "we are on the same team". 

If you truly believe you're on the same team, then try answering the original question again. Is there ever a scenario where the resolution of your conflict might end up being a win/lose solution? If you're on the same team, then you know what the answer is … NO! 

Think about the St. Louis Rams. They're a sports team and we are all comfortable with the fact that they ALL win and they ALL lose as teammates. Kurt Warner could throw for 800 yards, 17 touchdowns, 500 rushing yards, and 9 rushing TD's; but if the Rams ultimately lose the game, then it doesn't matter how great Kurt played he still gets a loss like the rest of the team. 

Lionel Messi of Barcelona FC is arguably the best football paler in the world. Most times, he single-handedly carries his team and does all the scoring. But the whenever they win in spite of the fact that he might of scored, he still loses with his team.

If a married couple is on the same "team" then it must be true for them as well. If one person in a marriage feels like the solution is a "loss" then the whole team loses. It would be terribly confusing if the NFL gave Kurt and the offense a win for the game and the defense a loss. It wouldn't be logical. Or could Messi be awarded a win when Barcelona loses just because he scored two beautiful goes? Certainly no! The same logic must apply to a marriage.

So how do you reach a win/win solution? 

When two people get into an argument, usually they have their own solution to the problem (Solution A & Solution B). Sometimes they can agree to compromise (Solution AB), but here, no one really wins. It's like a half win because they both give in some. On the other hand, a win/win solution is when both individuals brainstorm several additional solutions (C-G) by letting them go like balloons up in the air.

At first, you do not evaluate the possible solutions (C-G). After all ideas are "up in the air" then both individuals evaluate and determine if there is one solution that they both like (Solution E for example). 

This is different than a compromise because instead of both giving in, they find a different solution that is acceptable. They leave their original impasse (Solutions A & B), and find another answer that they both agree is the best solution to their problem. Thus, they reach a "win/win" resolution.

Sometimes a "win/win" can be one or both of the original solutions (A and/or B). The main point is that both agree that the solution is the best choice; thus, it's a WIN for the relationship!  

See how quickly a solution can appear once two people share their needs and feelings. Sometimes, however, we may not understand or even see an obvious solution. This is why when trying to determine the best solution for a problem, it still must be done in honour. 

Sometimes, when you cannot decide upon a solution, you may need to go back and do LUV Talk some more. If you remain persistent, most conflicts can be resolved.

Fight the Good Fight in Marraige: Turn Quarels Into Solutions

Marriage is a place of love. But it is also a setting where two people argue and disagree over certain things. Many couples don’t know how to resolve little issues and allow it to snowball into more difficult relationship problems

Do you want to dial down the unhealthy drama in your relationship? You can, once you know how to defuse blow-up arguments and unresolved feuds.

“Massive, all-out fights are bad for you. They make your heart race, cause stress, and can trigger issues like migraines,” says psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert. “On the other hand, learning to have good conversations keeps your relationship healthy.”

Here are six ways to ensure your next argument has a good outcome.

1.         Keep Calm and Carry On

If your blood’s boiling and you can barely remember what started your fight in the first place, call a time out.

“It’s next to impossible to be logical, let alone empathetic, in a heightened state,” Alpert says.

Pick the discussion back up when both of you feel levelheaded. If you can’t keep your voice down, you may not be ready to have the conversation.

2.         Know Your Goal

Before you sit down to talk, Alpert recommends you ask yourself: "What do I want to accomplish here? Do I want to hurt my partner, or work toward a resolution?"

Focus on finding a positive solution from the get-go. That makes it more likely you’ll listen and stay thoughtful.

People who keep their angry feelings contained may be more likely to develop health conditions like high blood pressure.

3.         Keep to Task

4.         Keep your argument brief and on-point.

“Leave the past in the past. Don’t bring up all the prior problems related to the one you’re discussing. Instead, solve one thing at a time,” says psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD. “Keep statements to two or three sentences. That way, it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to dominate the conversation, and it will be easier for your partner to grasp what you’re saying.”

5.         Know What You Need

Instead of criticizing your partner’s habits or values, be specific, Tessina says. For example, say, “It would mean a lot to me if you’d stop using your cell phone during dinner,” rather than, “I think you’re addicted to Facebook.”

Also, steer clear of words like "always" and "never." “Over-generalizing is upsetting and is usually also untrue,” Tessina says.

A lack of sleep makes conflicts harder to resolve, a recent study shows. If you’re frazzled or fried, it’s OK to go to bed mad if you both agree to put talks on hold until the next day, Alpert says.

6.         Pause Between Statements

It takes work to change the way you communicate. Suggestion: Discuss a hot-button issue when you’re not mad.

“Let your partner make a statement about the problem, but take at least 10 minutes to think about what he or she has said before you respond,” says Gerald Goodman, PhD, a psychologist and professor emeritus at UCLA. “Then sum up what your partner said, and make your own statement. Go back and forth a few times. It may take several hours or days, but it will pay off.”

Find it hard to pause between statements? “My research shows that learning to delay your response helps you stay calm and find solutions during major conflicts,” Goodman says.

Between pauses, use the time to listen to your partner, Alpert says. The more you’re on the same page, the easier it is to resolve fights quickly and fairly.

By Camille Noe Pagán

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/spats-solutions-fights?page=2

Things That Kills A Strong Relationship

It is said that love alone is not enough for a relationship to flourish. And there are indeed little compromises that kill a strong relationship. Here are a few insights:

1.         A relationship starts to falter once it becomes unhealthy.

An unhealthy relationship is one that is described to be mean, disrespectful, hurtful, controlling, and overall, full of emotional abuse. 

Most people who've grown up exposed to hurtful parents and domestic violence have a tendency to carry it over when it is their turn to get into a relationship. 

Someone brought up with that kind of emotional abuse will most likely develop a thinking that the violence he saw growing up is normal in a relationship.

2.         Relationships don't work out on its own, it needs work.

Work on your relationship. Strive to keep it alive. What may have started as a love-filled relationship is not guaranteed to end up love-filled like before. A garden left untended soon grows weeds.

Yes, falling in love is easy; it is staying in love that's hard. And that’s where many relationships begin their decline.

Understanding you and your partner’s differences, embracing those little differences and working around those will make your relationship easier to handle.

Keeping it healthy, will make you both flourish and grow not just as individuals, but as a couple as well.

3 Quick Ways To Resolve Quarrels In Marriage

Conflicts and disagreement is certain to come in marriage over small issues here and there. Couples will not always see things in the same way. But when conflict arises, what most couples do is to ignore it and go about their normal business.

This is a very tempting way to pretend that all is well, but it simply keeps emotions bottled up, waiting to explore at some point, which will do greater damage to the relationship.

Pretending there is no problem when you are angry at your spouse inside of you is simply prolonging the conflict, which itself is a product of fear. We are afraid of discomfort that may arise when we confront our spouse with our true feelings.

To free your mind and quickly resolve issues so they don’t blossom to resenting feelings, here are three tips for you:

1.         Don’t Go To Bed Angry At Your Spouse:

Confront, address or approach the issue before you retire. Agree to disagree temporarily, and reassure your spouse that you love him or her.

2.         Learn Your Partner’s Language:

Your spouse has his or her own language. Men and women speak, think, and process things quite differently. Speaking your partner’s “language,” (now I don’t mean dialect), you may have more chances of coming to a favorable outcome.

This also means you see things from his/her perspective.

3.         Strengthen Your Bond Even In Disagreement:

The secret to here is to hold hands, touch feet or knees when you argue. The contact keeps your energy connected and keeps you aware of your partner’s physical closeness, even during difficult conversations.

One great way to begin these steps is for you and your spouse agree to apply these small changes well in advance, especially in a time of peace. Challenge each to uphold these tips that let you disagree without putting your marriage in danger of sitting on a time-bomb waiting to explode sometime, somewhere.

8 Reasons Why Your Husband Probably Isn't Communicating With You Or Talking to You

Have you ever asked your husband a question or certain questions and he doesn’t respond as you would expect? Do you sometimes wait for an hour, 1 day or 2 days? Well, there are usually reasons why men fail to respond to their wives over certain issues. Do you really know why your hubby isn’t talking?

 Here are some:

1.         He needs to think first: 

When presented with a decision that needs to be made, some people (male or female) have an instant answer like Google. Some people have to over analyze every angle. Usually, most people are somewhere in between. 

If your husband is one of those who need to analyze every angle, you have to be patient. It takes time. He may be unable to give a quick response as other people do. Be patient and quit worrying about it. Perhaps that’s how talking is for him. You just have to cope with him

.

2.         He may not like repetitions after already saying it: 

Some men will just not tell their wives, “I love you”! To such men, it is, “I told her once that I loved her; if I change my mind, I’ll let her know.” 

If your hubby has answered once, that may be his answer. Even if you desire more affirmation or you’ve presented him with new information, he may feel that he has answered sufficiently already and not know why you want him to re-affirm his answer.

3.         He doesn’t care: 

Do you want to go out for Mexican or Thai? Do you want a blue or pink gown? He really doesn’t care, and he doesn’t want to exert the mental effort or take the risk to make even a minor decision. If he cared, he would choose.

4.         He doesn’t know: 

Some women think their partners know everything just because he is the man. You each have areas of expertise. He knows about lights and bulbs. You know about landscaping. He knows cuisine; you know nutrition. Attempting to have a conversation where one spouse is the expert and the other is the amateur takes concerted effort and patience. 

If what you want is to share what you’ve researched, tell him that. “I’ve been researching home-school curriculum. I’ve found some things I’d like to share with you.” That is profoundly different from blindsiding him at dinner with, “What curriculum do you want the kids to use this year?” He’s trying to figure out why he’s in a conversation where “You already know what you want.” 

There can still be healthy dialog between the expert and amateur, but avoid expecting him to contribute meaningful content and to be as excited about the organic baby food conversation as you are.

5.         He doesn’t want to disappoint you: 

Situations come up in marriages where spouses differ. He knows what you want; he knows what he wants. Rather than disappoint you or go against his own beliefs, he silently delays and avoids for hours, days, weeks…

6.         He doesn’t want to start a fight: 

He remembers the last time he was drawn into a conflict. He’s not about to go back there. Rather than risk a clash, he chooses to stay silent.

 

7.         He’s at peace with silence: 

He’s listened to the women at work gossip all day. He’s been teaching since 8 am. The bidding on the stock floor is exhausting. He wants his home to be a place of peace—and for him, that is peace and quiet.

8.         Relationship Reason:

He’s checking you out emotionally. Your husband may be distancing himself emotionally from you. 

·         He may be rejecting intimacy due to unforgiveness, callousness, or denial.

·   He may be hurt due to some concern in your relationship or due to some concern outside your relationship.

·         He feels a need to protect himself from further hurts, so he’s shutting people with the ability to hurt him out of his world. 

One way he conducts this shutdown is to avoid making himself vulnerable through talking about meaningful things with you.

A good first step to resolving the talking dilemma is to consider why he’s not talking. As a gift of love, think no evil toward him. Stand in his place and consider why he’s not talking. 

·         Don’t assume that he wants to inflict torment on you by not speaking.

·         Don’t assume that he’s unhappy in your marriage.

·         Was he quiet and deliberate before you married?

·         How long has talking been an issue?

·         Is there a problem that he needs time to sort through? 

Work on minimizing your frustration with his silence. Respect his individuality and extend the grace that we all need to work through our weaknesses.

That does not mean to resolve yourself to a one-sided marriage devoid of meaningful conversation and intimacy.

Adapted from Marie Wellmond, MarriageHelper