6 Ways To Get Closer To Your Spouse When Work Interfere With Your Marriage

A wonderful holiday period has just past, and another is coming around. Yes, this should be a time when couples spend time together, but unfortunately, finding time to enjoy moments and seasons as a family is usually the problem.

This is true because so many things are demanding for our time. From football matches to other games; from homework and class projects to school plays, church programmes; and on top of the everyday chores and to-do lists at work, people tend to get and feel distant from their spouses – because they are pulled in a million different directions.

For married people, this is certainly cause problems. This leads to loads of worldly pressures and anxiety.  

When your holiday and other schedules, which seem to be dominated by the demands of parenting, stretch our marriages and spiritual lives, it’s time to take a closer look. Yes, it is a problem; but it’s not one without a solution. 

Here are six things to consider to fine tune your life, for the sake of your marriage and to have a sound spiritual life and good career.

1.         Sometimes, it's okay to say no:

Most of us extend ourselves beyond capacity. That’s because it can be hard to say no. Often our hearts are in the right place. We are doing good things. But sometimes we need to make sure we are saying yes to only the things that are truly important, and declining on the things that are ultimately inconsequential. 

This could also mean saying no to your children. You obviously can’t spend your days visiting every playground in town just because your holidaying kids want to do so.

2.         Prioritize and guard dinner time:

There should be a time each day in the life of your family that is sacred. For many, late sports practices or games, hectic work travel schedules and more can keep this from becoming consistent. But, there’s not a much better way for a family to grow closer together than to have the consistency of breaking bread together around the same dinner table.

3.         Make Date Night important:

To remain connected to your spouse, date night has to be a priority. This can be easier said than done. It doesn't happen near enough in our house. But, if you are able to get out of the house together, it’s a beautiful time of reconnecting with each other. 

It enables a couple to see each other as husband and wife, not the roles we play as dad and mom the rest of the time.

4.         Keep Conversations alive:

Any growing relationship has to be watered, and there’s no better nourishment than conversation. 

Interpersonal relationships are built by communication, same as marriage. When we lack communication, it’s hard for us to truly know each other. Spend time daily conversing with your spouse and your children, and with God.

5.         In Marriage, compromise is King:

If the rule in your house is “it’s my way, or the highway,” then you might need to hitchhike your way to a better plan. 

You can’t always do what YOU want to do. This means, you have to take your daughter to her friends’ birthday parties when you would rather be watching football. 

For the wife, it means she occasionally watches football when she’d rather watch a soap opera. And for the kids, it means they have to go home early from the park so their baby brother can take a nap. 

Compromise isn’t a bad word; it’s mandatory in a happy home!

6.         Don’t be fixated; unplug:

We are so connected to the world around us, and this easily gets us disconnected from the home we live in. 

We are constantly checking our phones for new emails, updated news headlines and sports scores. This certainly doesn’t bring us closer to God and our spouse. 

What we read today on Facebook or Twitter, or see on Instagram or Pinterest, isn’t going to drastically change our lives for the better. Every minute you spend playing games online is a minute you could pour into your spouse or kids. 

We need to regularly force ourselves to disconnect from the electronic devices, and connect with our families instead.

There’s no doubt that family problems, busy schedules and everyday concerns can pull you away from God and your spouse. Don’t let the hectic nature of life – especially your work schedules - lead you to burnout, both at home and at work!

Adapted form Brent Rinehart ‘s

5 Unfailing Truths That Can Completely Save Your Marriage

There are countless homes and marriages experiencing one crisis or the other and it is as if, as a woman once asked me, “Can’t marriages ever be without problem?”

As strange as it may seem, the everyday couples we find today are seemingly in two categories – those in marital crisis; and those about to get into crisis. In fact marital struggles are everywhere and they are not unique to certain people.

But does it mean there can never be joy in marriage? Can marriages be immune from crisis or how can they be salvaged?

Here are five proven truths that save marriage:

1.         Your spouse does not have the capacity to meet all your emotional needs:

The surest way to court disaster in marriage is for a wife to expect her husband to be the all-in-all is a formula for disaster. 

A lot of women marry with the intent of shifting the burden of life and living onto their husbands. Your spouse is not an expect route to challenges of life.

Do your spouse a favor and look to God to be your "spiritual husband" and take some of that load of his shoulders. This will take a tremendous load of expectation off of him and it will help you be a confident, capable wife who can get through whatever life and marriage brings your way. 

2.         Marriage is not only about happiness:

I am sure you married because you believed your partner would make you happier than if you remained single. This is basic assumption many people enter into marriage with. 

But God's original intention for marriage is more about sacrifice than making you happy. Marriage is a place where daily practice dying to self. It is a theatre of sacrifice and compromise. It is a field in which we can practice love, even when we don't feel like it. 

Happiness is not a result of how someone else treats you. Your level of contentment is a choice that must be made by you or a heart condition that must be altered. 

Marriage is the training ground for sublime and total love and self-effacing character. And the best person to teach you how to love another unconditionally is the partner you are living with in very close quarters.

3.         Disappointment is inevitable because we're all incomplete and not perfect

This is one of the most realistic perspectives to marriage. Nobody can essentially make you complete or perfect. Only God can fix us. It is beyond a new life, a new wife or a new perspective; and not even a new you. 

Imperfections will always remain in us. We would keep hurting and disappointing one another in marriage because with all the new, there's still the same old broken you. 

Just as your spouse has disappointed you, you, too, have disappointed your spouse. It goes both ways. That's why grace is the glue that holds the two of you together. 

Once you realize you are just as much an imperfect fellow or sinner as your spouse, you will extend grace toward him or her more easily. 

4.         Divorce is not always a solution. The grass is NOT greener on the other side:

We tend to look at other situations that are less familiar to us and imagine the best. I am sure you too would have looked at your fiancé years ago and imagined the best possible scenario with him. Then reality happened. 

Your spouse has flaws. So does the nice-looking man or woman across the street or the recently divorced woman in your office or the very capable single mom or dad you met in the school parking lot. 

Doesn't it make sense to continue to invest in the person you've invested years in than to start all over with someone else's issues, baggage, past, and problems?

5.         Integrity always pays off:

Are you a person of your word? Did you say "forever"? Did you promise commitment even in sickness and in health? Alzheimer’s and dementia are a sickness. So is addiction. 

So, even if your spouse doesn't remember you or isn't behaving the "same" as when you married, or is truly trying to stop a destructive behavior but can't, you still made a promise. 

Even if the two of you have grown apart, you still made a commitment. Even if your heart doesn't feel the same you still made a vow before God and witnesses to be in this "'till death do us part." (And that doesn't mean "death" of your feelings.) 

I'm so glad God doesn't drop us when we begin acting differently than when we first committed to him. Grace is undeserved favor. And God expects us to show it to others in the same degree it has been measured out to us.

Of course, there are certain behaviors that are absolutely unacceptable in marriage, such as abuse and sexual unfaithfulness. Some of the most powerful marital testimonies I've seen and heard have been those who started to walk away because of "irreconcilable differences" but then saw the God of reconciliation bring them back together....once they extended grace and love of another kind (and in many cases when counseling and a repentant heart helped reverse some destructive behavior).

Inasmuch as it depends on you, are you willing to forgive, extend grace, and do what is necessary for the marriage to work? God always honors the man or woman "who keeps his word whatever the cost". And I know, my friend; sometimes it hurts.

Marriage disappoints at times, just like any relationship. But God never disappoints. Put your hope in him - and his promises - and see what he can pull you through.

And if your marriage is one that couldn't be saved - or you are dealing with behaviors that are destructive to the marriage, or your spouse was not committed to making it work as you had hoped - God can still redeem the pieces of your life and turn your story into something beautiful.

Adapted from Cindi McMenamin 

7 Words That Will Change Your Marriage

A lot of folks would go to any length to tend to their look and outward appearance. We spend billions each year on our appearance. Gym memberships, dieting programs that may or may not work, new clothes and more, occupy our minds. Yes, it is nice that care how we look. But, what do our marriages look like?

More importantly, where does our marital health rank on the list of To-Do’s? Instead of our bodies and physical appearance being top priorities, what if we put that focus on our marriages instead?

The hardest part of parenting, that no one seems to want to warn you about, is the strain children have on your marriage. Children can come between you and your spouse.

As the years go by, the children naturally become our focus, making it easy to lose sight of each other. We don’t take the time or energy necessary to stay connected.

But, this trend can be stopped if you give your marriage a “check up.” I believe there are seven words that, if applied to our marriages, have the power to make this year the best year we have ever experienced as a couple.

1.         Initiate: Remember the courtship? Make an effort to woo your spouse all over again. So many marriages fall apart because people just stop trying.

2.         Prioritize: What is your top priority? It’s where you devote the majority of your time or energy. Turn off the television and put down your iPhone. Your email and updating your Facebook status can wait.

3.         Communicate: In a successful marriage, you have to fight the urge to sweep things under the rug. Don’t allow things to fester. Instead, keep an open line of communication.

When we have “sounding boards” who aren’t our spouses, sure, we might feel a little better, but we are doing nothing to actually resolve situations or improve our relationship.

4.         Listen: The most important part of communicating doesn’t involve speaking; it’s listening. Your spouse wants to be heard.

How can you know what he or she is feeling if you don’t take the time to listen. All too often, many of us are too quick to interject before the person is even finished speaking.

5.         Forgive: Don’t hold onto things. You only harm yourself. When your spouse does something, refer to #3 and #4. Then, let it go. Forgive them and move on.

6.         Love: Without love, there is no marriage. And, that’s why we must keep the spark alive.

This year, set aside more time to date your spouse. And, when you are out, try your best to make sure the kids or grandkids aren’t the primary topic of conversation. Spoil your spouse occasionally.

7.         Pray: It has been said that a successful marriage consists of three people: husband, wife and God. Involve Him more, even in the so-called “little things.”

Let’s resolve together to focus on our relationships more than ourselves this year, and watch how God will bless the efforts.

I am sure there are other words you would add to this list!

Adapted from Brent Rinehart’s

5 Things Not To Do To Keep Your Marriage Happy

Marriage essentially brings two different people together and fuses them as one. And because many people in marriages are people with different backgrounds and upbringings, experiences and expectations, frictions and frustrations sometimes occur.

Hardly would we find a marriage not filled with repentance and apologies along with deep intimacy and companionship, because misunderstandings and feelings of being hurt, bitter, and sometimes anger are necessary baggage of marriage.

Indeed, many couples go through tough times in marriage; but rather than destroy them, such times helped them to discover themselves and made the get more committed to each other.

In the midst of everything, they were able to pull through, essentially because they avoided five things that kill happiness in marriage.

Here are five things not to do to keep your marriage happy: 

1.         Don’t stop praying for your spouse

We only pray for those we wish well. Even when we’re hurt, we don’t stop praying for the one we want to succeed.

Praying for your partner affirms your commitment to them and your belief that together you can forge ahead as a team. It’s in the praying that power is released.

Find creative ways to pray for your spouse and his/her career.

2.         Don’t bear grudges

A grudge is just persistent resentment towards a person due to pain or hurt. And, that grudge can grow and fester until it bleeds even more hurt into a marriage.

Yes you may be the one who is right and offended. But it is better to be one and together with your partner than being right.

3.         Don’t deny your partner sex

Don’t say no to the pursuit of making love in your marriage. Making love together is about a whole lot more than physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is the coming together, the coupling, the connecting. 

You can “make love” by making a cup of tea for your spouse, but making a cup of tea and creating space to physically connect results in different emotions, a different level of uniting.

Making love is like a gift you give to your spouse. And we know that when we give a physical gift, we give it to our partners for them to use as they please.

The reason why many spouses, especially wives withhold sex is perhaps because they are still afraid their husbands will misuse their willingness, and make them feel used. This thinking is wrong in a marriage union.

4.         Don’t take the leadership or feelings of your spouse for granted

Even when we feel like our spouses are lacking, we shouldn’t underestimate the innate abilities God has deposited in them.

If your spouse chooses to follow a direction you are not primed for, hear him/her out. Sometimes, submit to the leadership of your partner.

If you find yourself feeling like you can’t trust your spouse’s decisions, because you feel he or she has misled you in the past or you don’t believe he or she is not just up to it, then I’d suggest you back to point number one: don’t stop praying.

5.         Don’t kill your home with negative talk

We can speak life over our spouses, not calling out their flaws, frustrations, and weaknesses, but calling out the gifts and the goodness that God has deposited within them.

We can speak hope and life, goodness and faith over them instead of death, darkness, and destruction.

Rather than complain, you could say something like, “You always remember to return our movies or feed the fish; you have such a gift of responsibility.”  

When you compliment spouse’s strengths, rather than sing about their shortcomings, it empowers and encourages them, and makes them feel supported.

Adapted from Holly Mthethwa’s  

8 Ways To Stay Friends With Your Spouse

One of the most beautiful things in marriage and life is to see couples who have been married for decades being in awesome friendship which they’ve forged over many years.

It is common to perhaps find this in our parents’ marriage or in other couples, especially how they can make one another laugh with just a word or a look, or the joy they get from just being in each other’s presence - It’s a joy to see and certainly a blessing to experience in a marriage.

But is sincere friendship in marriage easily attainable? Certainly not!

I am convinced most of these beautiful couples would say it’s taken a lot of work to get to where they are at today. But we can achieve true friendship with our spouse if we are committed to it. 

Here are eight ways to maintain and sustain friendship with your partner.

1.         Great Communication

Often, this just means making the time for conversation to happen —eating dinner together without distraction, for example.

Great communication doesn’t just happen. You have to be intentional about it.

2.         Great Listening

This follows from point one. We can’t have great communication if we’re not listening well. Asking questions and making a point to remember what we’re told can go a long way in our relationships.

3.         Loyalty

Stay on each other’s side, always. If someone is treating your partner poorly always be loyal to counsel them well and support them.

4.         Reliability

Knowing you can count on your spouse is so important. Being a man or woman of integrity and following through on your word isn’t just something your spouse should be able to count on, but it’s also a character trait you should strive for in all of your relationships.

5.         Memory Building

Make memories together! Plan special vacations, outings with the grandkids, and fun holidays. You can a lot of pictures and make albums out of them for the kids so the memories are captured forever. Value making special memories for each other.

6.         Shared Values and Faith

You won't agree on everything, but agreeing over the big things like faith and values will help you settle smaller problems when they arise.

7.         Support Each Other's Work or Career

Give grace when job commitments mean less time at home (within reason).

Encourage the gifts and talents of your spouse and urge them to make use of those gifts to the best of their ability. Offer helpful and encouraging feedback. Praise them for the good work they’re doing in their career. 

8.         Keep Short Accounts

This may be the most important! Extending grace and forgiveness can be hard, but remembering that God has forgiven your sins can help put into perspective the shortcomings of your spouse. 

(This should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: we’re not talking abuse here. If your spouse is abusive toward you, you need to seek help).  

Adapted from Kelly Givens iBelieve.com

Are You Still In Love With Your Spouse? (Signs You Are Fallen Out of Love With Your Spouse)

 

Love and Challenges

Over the course of a long-term relationship, it is not uncommon for one person to question occasionally whether they are still in love with the other. Marriage poses unique challenges.

Falling Out of Love

If you find yourself wondering whether you've fallen out of love with your partner, you may want to consider the following: 

·        Are you still able to recall your past memories with affection, fondness, or a sense of what drew you to him or her? Couples who are happy, or who have the potential to be happy, are able to recall their past fondly, even after life throws them some curveballs. 

·        You may want to ask, is there are part of me that still feels an ember burning, no matter how small it is? If there is still some kindling of love or affection, it may be possible to reignite it with the right support and communication.

Why Have You Fallen Out of Love?

·        Are there experiences that have occurred in our years together that have damaged my love and my trust for my partner? Past traumas such affairs, betrayals and unresolved conflict can often erode the love between two people, and give the impression of a love lost. 

If this is the case, it may be difficult for you to decipher how many of these issues are from lack of love, versus issues that need to be addressed. If you're inclined to see your partner's characteristics or behaviors through a negative lens, chances are you can no longer see the relationship clearly, due to unresolved hurts.

Love vs. Not in Love

In a nutshell, it can be very difficult to tell if you're in love or out of love. We live in a society that promotes divorce and provides unrealistic images as to what love should look like.

If you're in marriage relationship, if you have children, the best way to answer this question is to let your partner know that you're asking it - and then request that they attend couples therapy with you. 

Unhappy spouses are notorious for not bringing issues to your partner until things reach a breaking point beyond repair. Wondering if you're still in love with your partner is an important question to ask yourself, but even more important is to let them know that you're struggling with this question. 

Let them know that you're trying to understand why you're having these feelings, in order to see if they can be addressed.

Relationships take years to build and only moments to shatter. It's always best to not act rashly.

Signs Of A Solid Relationship (Building A Solid Relationship / Marriage In 2016 - 2)

In our last post on building a solid marriage/relationship (read it here), we mentioned there are 5 signs to tell if your relationship is solid and how you can make that desired improvement.

Here are what you must do in 2016:

1.         There is Mutual Enjoyment:

The Union should bring benefits to both parties in the marriage. If only one person is favoured, then such a relationship is like a table with two legs waiting to fall.  The marriage union provides:

•                   Sexual benefits:    Romance and sex should be mutually enjoyed by the husband and the wife; not one using the other as a toy or tool.  Do you satisfy your spouse in the bedroom?

•                   Emotional enjoyment:    Feelings of affection, love and being wanted, cherished and cared for is a prerequisite for joy in marriage. Can your spouse confidently say you cherish him/her? Do you do the same?

•                   Psychological Enjoyment:  Marriage affects how we talk, act and how we relate with others. The union should have a positive impact on the mental state, attitude and character of the parties.

•                   Societal Enjoyment:  Are you happy you married your spouse? If you are ashamed to go out or walk with your in public, then you don’t have a solid marriage. If you marry your spouse merely to keep him/her away as a secret weapon who must never have dealings with other people, yet you do, that union is not solid. It is one-sided.

2.         There is Mutual Respect:

A solid union is one where there is respect for each other’s feelings, opinions, values and expectations. Do you take decisions that affect your spouse and expect him/her to just endorse them? Do you put down your spouse in public or before his/her friends, colleagues, relatives, and /or children?

Besides, does your being married to spouse convey any respect or value on him/her? How is he/she viewed outside?

3.         There is Mutual Trust:

Without trust, the very foundation of any relationship would be shaky. A union without trust but filled with repeated suspicion is nothing but an accident waiting to happen.

Marriage is like a garment. When it is torn, it cannot be sewn with ‘cellotape’. The only thread that keeps couples bonded together is trust.

Trust does not involve fidelity or infidelity issues alone. It includes morals, character discipline and how you handle your spouse’s finances. Can your spouse trust you to remain faithful to him/her when money is involved? Can you be trusted to manage your spouse’s?

4.         There is Shared Challenges / Experiences:

In a solid relationship, things bothering one party bother the other. Challenges, problems and trials are shared just as victories and successes are jointly celebrated.

A marriage where each person is left to fight their own battles and only meet in bed or the dinning table is not solid.  A marriage where the couples does not concern themselves with what affects the other party is not solid.

5.         There is Give & take – Reciprocity:

A solid marriage is not where only one person gives or contributes to the union. Such a relationship would not last, and if it does, it would not be enjoyable.

Couples need to reciprocate kind gestures, affection and love. But reciprocating does not necessarily mean you give back in same quantity. Rather you give in truth, sincerity and openness, the measure you can realistically give back.

Now you can tell if your relationship is solid or not. But remember, marriage is a house you build everyday, continually. Keep improving what you can and cut off things that threaten your relationship.

I wish you happy union in 2016.

Building A Solid Relationship / Marriage In 2016

The year has begun in earnest, and many people have made several New Year resolutions. And I am sure some of those resolutions would include becoming a better person to Marriage is truly not a bed of roses; yet it is the best of relationships and a place where the best of man is brought to the fore.

Some marriages are filled with trials, conflicts and diverse problems. Others are filled with joy and the best of things you can think of in marriage.

There is no home which does not experience some form of trials or challenges at some point in time. But the ability to stay strong together and overcome these inevitable difficulties depends on how solid your marriage is.

I used to have a neighbour some years ago who together with his wife turned themselves to alarm bells that wakes up everybody in the middle of the night with their quarreling and screaming at each other. Sometimes in the morning, they wake up the entire compound with their everyday fights. Yet the next few days, they walk hand-in-hand everywhere.

In a particular year, the man walked up to me and said he wanted me to guide him on how he could become better husband to his wife. He said, “I have made a resolution to make my marriage solid this year. I want to start at the beginning of the New Year. Please what must I do to build a solid marriage?”

From that moment, my perception of him changed. I saw a man who was ready, in spite of all odds, to make his marriage relationship work.

The big question I would like to ask as we begin a new year is, “Is your relationship with your spouse solid?  Can it stand the test of time or trials?”

Just like my former neighbour, perhaps you are wondering what you could do too to make that your resolution. If this is your case, there are 5 signs to tell if your marriage/relationship is solid and how you can make that desired improvement. My neighbour did; you too could!

The Six Greatest Needs of Husbands in 2016

As the New Year begins, many couples are hoping to enjoy the best of times in their marriages. But as a wife, your ability to understand the needs of your partner would largely help to make your home enjoyable.

Here are 6 of the greatest needs of a man:

1.         Respect

This is number one! I would even be emphatic and say every time. Men want to know that they are respected by their wives above every other person.

Most if not every man feels this internal pressure to excel. And there is at least one place in the lives of men where they want to be successful – at home. If men can’t feel that respect in their home, they will find it somewhere else.

Ladies, you want your husband to love you unconditionally. Are you willing to respect him unconditionally? You probably aren’t always extremely “lovable.” He’s probably not always respectable. 

Do you want to be loved any less when you aren’t at your “best”? Neither does he in the area of respect.

2.         Admiration

Men want to be desirable to their wives. That’s physically, but in other ways too. Is your man strong enough - masculine enough for you? Does he meet all your expectations in a man? 

If a wife openly talks about the sexuality or athletic features of other men of if she repeatedly talks about more successful men in the world, the husband certainly will not feel admired. 

As an example, if a family struggles financially and the wife complains about it all the time, the man hears that as “I’m not good enough.” 

The greatest assurance a man can receive that he got “what it takes” comes from his wife. Remember, men who don’t sense this will often quit trying.

3.         Peace and Tranquility

What plans do you have to make your home in 2016 a place of peace, a place your man and family can prepare for the world?

It is time to understand that nagging never accomplishes what the wife hopes it will. It may get done what you wanted done, but not with the heart or attitude you hoped to go with the action. 

Ladies, is your home a place of peace and tranquility? Someone said the wife/mother is the thermostat of the home? If that’s true, how comfortable are we living?

4.         Commitment

It is a year to renew commitment. Yes, men want this too! They want to know they are number one with you. 

Men don’t want to see their wife looking at other men or hear them commenting on how wonderful another man may be. They want to know you are faithful only to them. Men have shallow and fragile egos?

Ladies, does your husband know he’s number one to you - that no man could ever take his place? Make him sense that in 2016.

5.         Acceptance / Involvement

Husbands aren’t really looking for a wife who will try to change them. Of course, many men need changing; but the best way is through patience, love, prayer and changing your attitude too.

Men want their wives to appreciate their hobbies and interests. Don’t expect to change your man from being a fan of EPL to a fan of rugby or Legend of the Seeker. Join in his hobbies and enjoy the fun together. Sooner, he would drift to yours too.

6.         Freedom to lead

Most men want to lead in their home, but don’t really know how. The wife should allow her husband to make some mistakes and not criticize him always just because she is more competent at a task than he is.

Applaud what your man does right and see him try harder to please you. 

As a wife, are you allowing your husband to sense your satisfaction in his abilities to lead? If you want him to lead, ask yourself, are you willing to follow if he does?

Adapted