Are you living in a “sexless marriage?” Is there less sex than you feel is appropriate? A sexless marriage is one in which a spouse feels there isn’t enough sex or there is no sex at all.
To be clear, if you want sex
every night and your spouse only wants sex three times a week, you are not
living in a sexless marriage. But if you want sex every night or three times a
week and your spouse wants sex once in six weeks, you are living in a sexless
marriage.
Your spouse may disagree. Having
sex once a month or once every three months may fulfill their need for sex. In
their mind they are not living is a sexless marriage because their needs are
being met.
The problem lies when there is a
huge difference in the sexual needs of spouses. The definition of a sexless marriage
is not dependent upon whether or not there is no sex in the marriage but on the
effects of differing sex drives in the marriage. Some couples are rigid when it comes to sex
while some are outright placid and disinterested.
For example, Akin could care less
about sex. He had even told Ufuoma, his wife that he didn’t know “what the big
deal was about sex.” Akin was quite happy and content having sex every three
months.
Ufuoma, on the other hand fully
understood what the “big deal” was. She had a healthy sexual appetite and
meeting her sexual needs meant sex at least three times a week, not every three
months.
Ufuoma had no control over
getting her needs met though because when it came to sex, Akin was calling all
the shots. Sex was on his terms because in his mind they had a healthy sex
life. After all, his needs were met and to him that meant there were no
problems.
Situations like the one above are
very common. It is estimated that 1 out of 5 marriages are “sexless.” Imagine
being trapped in Ufuoma’s marriage, one in which a husband withholds sex or
perhaps it is the wife who locks up and gives the key to the Central Bank.
Maybe you are and are familiar with feeling undesirable, unattractive and
unwanted by your spouse.
If so, the first thing you have
to do is not internalize your spouse’s low libido. Do not make it about your
level of attractiveness or desirability. It is not about you, it is about them.
In the opinion of Mrs. Ayodele
Funmilayo, a medical nurse from Igoble Ekiti, Ekiti State, Nigeria,
“The lack of understanding has destroyed many homes. The man must know what the
woman needs in bed and the woman on her part should respond. If the feelings
are not mutual or are not jointly enjoyed, then there would be conflict and
discord.
“Sex in marriage is sweet and it
is an integral part of marriage. In fact, to some couples, sex is like food
that must be served everyday”.
In the view of Dr. Olarenwaju
Ogini, the publisher of Consumer Guide Nigeria, if sex is out of marriage
then there is bound to be trouble and discord. “How can you take sex out of
marriage? The main issue in any good marriage is sex, which is the art of love
making. Both partners must surrender and have mutual consent to do it as they
wish. If this is not done, then that union is treading towards disintegration”.
A lot of marriages are troubled
by placidity and rigidity on the part of either the husband or the wife.
Indeed, one of the worse things that can happen in a marriage is when either
couple no longer enjoys sex with the partner.
To be continued in part 2
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