Can we ever forgive our spouse for cheating?
Absolutely. Yes, you can forgive your spouse
for cheating.
Many of us believe that our marriage would be so over if we ever found out
that our spouse cheated on us. But would it be, really? It’s hard to know until
you are in that position. Acclaimed marriage therapist, Michele Wiener-Davis
offers 10 things you should know about how to recover from infidelity in your
relationship.
As a marriage therapist for two decades, Weiner-Davis admits she’s heard
countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the lowest,
darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter trust, many
seriously contemplate divorce after infidelity occurs.
However, she points out, it’s important to know that no matter how bleak
things might seem, it’s possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by
infidelity.
It’s not easy there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions to save a
marriage from divorce but years of experience have taught that there are
definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their
marriages back from the brink of disaster.
Here are 10 things you should know:
1. Healing occurs in
stages.
Healing from infidelity involves teamwork, notes Weiner-Davis. Both spouses
must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on
track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever
it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse.
The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming
emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened,
and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again.
Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it’s
helpful to know that surviving infidelity typically happens in stages.
2. The betrayed spouse
will feel a range of emotions.
If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will
undoubtedly feel shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense
sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or eating, or feel completely
obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional person, you may cry a lot.
You may want to be alone or, conversely, feel at your worst when you are. While
unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal.
3. Your marriage can
improve, but not immediately.
Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are
looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly.
It’s easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and
downs are the norm. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between.
4. Don’t be afraid to
ask questions about the affair.
Although some people are more curious than others, it’s very common to have
lots of questions about the marital affair, especially initially, says
Weiner-Davis.
If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to
know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear,
just knowing your spouse is willing to come clean helps people recover.
As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and
prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a
formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under
the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely.
5. Why it happened may
be a lingering unanswered question.
Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to
know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to
the bottom of things, it could happen again.
Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray can be quite complex, the whys
aren’t always crystal clear.
6. The cheater needs to
come to terms with what motivated their actions.
No one forces anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if
doesn’t feel that way.
If you were unfaithful, it’s important to examine why you allowed yourself
to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need
to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a
family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction?
7. It is important to
explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking.
Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy; they look to
others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of
feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful or ignored. Sometimes there is a
lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.
If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an
affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together
you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking
help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a communication
skill-building class. There are many available through religious organizations,
community colleges and mental health settings.
8. The unfaithful
spouses must demonstrate sincere regret and remorse.
You can’t apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will
never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to
repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are
obvious, they aren’t.
Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to
heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery
when mistrust is rampant.
9. Conversely, talking
about the affair can’t be the only thing you do.
Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of
both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without
discussing painful topics. They must intentionally create opportunities to
reconnect and nurture their friendship. They should take walks, go out to eat
or to a movie and develop new mutual interests.
Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time
after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated.
10. The key to healing
from infidelity involves forgiveness.
According to Weiner Davis, this is frequently the last step in the healing
process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right be forthcoming, express
remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won’t
mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful
spouse forgives him or herself.
Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection. But forgiveness
doesn’t just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace and
start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why
not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive
today.
