When women marry and start a family,
we envision a loving, respectful adult relationship with our husbands, parents,
in-laws, and extended family. For some of us, this is exactly how things
unfold.
But, for the rest of us there can be
trouble. Big trouble. The arrival of the first baby/grandchild can make
the the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship fraught.
Post-baby tensions are usually
rooted in the new Mom’s perception, warranted or not, that Grandma is stepping
on her turf. No matter how much we love our families, we want them to recognize
the pecking order.
Most grandparents simply want to
help (and, of course, hold the baby). Unfortunately their desire to help (and
hold) often collides head-on with our desire to do everything and with Law
Number One, It’s My Baby.
Having a baby can make new mothers
unbelievably sensitive, emotionally unpredictable and territorial. Before we
have kids, most of us like to think that we’re going to be very relaxed parents
only to find ourselves, once we have that baby, in the grips of something
primal and pathological. This is how Julia described it,
“I felt like an animal—like a
ferocious mother lion. I would protect the baby’s well-being if it killed me. I
would have ripped anyone to shreds, if they so much as sneezed near my baby. I
said to myself, ‘Nothing is going to happen to this baby on my watch!”
So when a mother-in-law offers
advice about what brand of diapers to use, or how to hold the baby, or just
marches over to the crib and takes the baby, most new moms feel that their authority
as “mother” is being threatened. Sometimes we’re right about the threat, but
more often than not we’re misinterpreting a kind offer of help. New moms have
also been known to overreact and take ourselves waaaaay too seriously.
Here are some comments from the
grandmothers:
“When I babysit, I am given detailed
instructions right down to being told not to put a sweater on the baby when
it’s ninety-five degrees outside. They treat me like I’m an idiot.” – Miriam
“I feel like I’m an interloper, not
an in-law. My daughter in-law sent me a reading list of parenting books so that
I could be prepared for my visit with the new baby.” – Yvonne
“The last time I visited Sophie, my
two-year-old granddaughter, I brought a beautiful book of fairy tales –
Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, the classic stories. I was told that Sophie is not
allowed any princess material – that I would be giving her the wrong messages
about men and women. You would think I had given the child a set of kitchen
knieves.” – Betty
Sometimes the Lioness Has to Roar
Of course, there are times when an
out-of-line mother-in-law brings out the Mama Lion in us and we have to roar,
but for the most part biting your tongue and giving your Mother In-law the
benefit of the doubt (always assume she means well) will make your life
much easier.
Establishing some ground rules is
always a good idea, too. Most people respond well when there are clear
expectations about what is, and what is not, acceptable behavior. For example,
tell your mother-in-law "When the baby’s asleep, I’d rather you didn’t
wake her up, even if you think she needs to eat” or “I know you didn’t puree
all your baby food, but I want to at least try to do it, so please don’t try to
persuade me not to.” And so on.
Finally, remember that your adorable
baby will turn into high-energy toddler who will never stop moving, then into a
moody teenager and you will need all the help you can get!
Source:
No comments:
Post a Comment