20 Signs You Are A Mom Who Desperately Need Sleep

You know how when your gas tank's almost empty, you're supposed to turn off the A/C and the radio while you cruise to the nearest filling station so you don't waste fuel? That's a great analogy for how I feel as a mom to an infant. I'm technically awake, but most of my higher functions are powered down to conserve my strength, and I'm running on fumes. Which is why I can't remember your name. Or my name. Or where I left my purse.

Here are 20 other signs of the utter sleep deprivation moms of new babies experience:

1. You could easily fall asleep right after downing a venti macchiato (if anyone would let you.)

2. You left your cell phone in the refrigerator and don't even realize it until later when you call yourself and the milk is ringing.

3. Someone took a candid photo of you and you're like, "Who's that old hag with the horrible posture?" P.S. It's you.

4. You finally understand how it is that horses can fall asleep standing up.

5. You can yawn the alphabet.

6. It's raining polka-dots. Oh wait, no, you're just seeing spots from rubbing your eyes so much.

7. You've knocked your coffee over onto your keyboard so often that you're on a first name basis with the folks at the Genius Bar.

8. You're starving all the time. Your body has replaced sleep with food and will not be denied. You should probably avoid the cookie and cracker aisle of the supermarket for the next six months.

9. You're sure you walked into the living room for a reason. You must have. Why did you walk in there? Maybe if you could retrace your steps. Wait, why are you in the kitchen?

10. A kind soul gives you a gift certificate for a massage and you miss the whole thing because you're passed out on the table.

What are you doing at home, and how did you get there?

11. You look and feel like you have a raging tequila hangover, but you can't recall having any fun last night.

12. You just picked a huge fight with your husband over the capitol of Kentucky. And you were wrong, but you stood your ground.

13. You have absolutely no recollection of ordering that giant box of stuff from Amazon.

14. At night, you hide in the baby's room so that nobody else can find you and ask you to make them dinner. Just. Too. Tired.

15. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. That can't be right.

16. You meant to stop at the market. What are you doing at home, and how did you get there?

17. Someone tells you you've got a little mascara smudged under your eyes and you're like, nope, just dark circles, thanks.

18. Your family finds you sobbing in the kitchen because you can't open the jar of peanut butter.

19. When asked, "Do you want fries with that?" You can't decide. It's too much pressure. What's with the interrogation?

20. And alas, once your baby finally starts sleeping through the night, you discover that you can't anymore. On the bright side, you'd make an excellent night watchman.

Sweet dreams, mamas.

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