How To Cope With A Mother-in-Law Who Doesn’t Like You

1.         Talk to your mother-in-law directly.

Summon courage and take your partner’s hand, and sit down with him and his parents. Describe how you feel excluded, rejected, and disliked by them. Ask if you’ve offended them. 

Basically, you’re asking what their problem is – in a gentle, nonjudgmental, open minded way. Ask for three reasons they’re not comfortable with you or your relationship with their son. The first reason or two they give are excuses; the third reason is the closest to the truth.

2.         Don’t expect your mother-in-law to change

Note that mother-in-law problems do not get solved overnight. People can and do change, but it’s not realistic to stay in your relationship and expect your mother-in-law problems to suddenly disappear! 

Generally, toxic in-laws won’t suddenly turn and start welcoming you to their family gatherings. Be realistic, and expect a future similar to your present situation. If you’re not currently welcome at your in-laws’ family gatherings now, you can expect not be welcomed later. Prepare your mind!

3.         Be kind and friendly; but not a sycophant.

 “Sychophant” is a fancy way of saying “flatterer”. You may consider buying your partner’s mother a Mother’s Day gift – this is a very sweet, kind thing to do. But have you found out whether or not she appreciated the birthday and other gifts you bought?  Why do you think she would want this too?

If your mother-in-law refuses to accept gifts or have you over for family events or holidays - or if you’ve done everything you can to cope with toxic in-laws -  then don’t buy them gifts! Be polite, but don’t try to win them over. Sometimes the best way to cope with toxic in-laws is to leave them alone.

4.         Don’t ask your partner to choose between you and his family

It is not a good idea to ask your partner to choose between you and his parents. Don’t you’re your spouse away. Let him know you are on the same side always. That’s why you are married in the first place.

It is better not to cause more conflict than it’s necessary in your home. Coping with a difficult mother-in-law requires patience and wisdom.

5.         Remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself.

Don’t ask – or expect – your partner or his parents to act or think differently. After you express your feelings about how you’re being treated (or mistreated) and after you ask what you did to cause his parents to treat you this way, then you need to let go. You have to let them be who they are.

Your mother-in-law or toxic in-laws may not be able to accept you for who you are, but for your own peace of mind and soul, you have to accept them for who they are.