It's
time to cut the husband some slack.
He might be the love of your
life, but he's not a mind-reader, your therapist, or a saint. It's easy to fall
into a trap of wanting your husband to do and be more things as the years go
by, but it's important to know the difference between a healthy expectation and
one that's a little (or a lot) over the top.
This red flag refresher course
can help you figure out if you've accidentally joined the "you'll never be
good enough" wives' camp - and learn how to turn that trend around so
you're both feeling the warm fuzzies again.
1. You're Disappointed When He Won't
Analyze What Went Wrong with Ben and Jen
Often, women start to expect
their husbands to step into a role that would be better played by a friend.
Time passes, we get busy (and, uh, lazy) and stop making as much of an effort
to keep developing female friendships. This can take a surprisingly big toll on
your marriage.
"Your husband doesn't think
like your girlfriends," says Tara Fields, Ph.D., author of The Love Fix:
Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now.
"If he has a two-word
response after your monologue about a frenemy's
insecurities, he may just not relate to the topic, especially if it's subtle,
emotional content." It's going to frustrate both of you if he feels like
he's failing to fulfill that need of yours, so give yourself permission to
revive girls night so you don't feel deprived if he doesn't want to dissect The
Bachelor with you.
2. You Assume He's Not Attracted To You
Anymore If He Turns You Down for Sex…Once
Trust us, if this isn't a common
occurrence and your sex life hasn't drastically changed (or disappeared), it
most likely has to do with work stress or exhaustion, not a big problem in your
relationship. And yes, there are plenty of therapists who recommend scheduling
sex to squeeze it into your busy lives, but researchers recently found that the
happiest and most sexually satisfied couples are the ones who go with the flow
when it comes to sex - i.e. do it when they're in the mood for it - rather than
try to have it on a forced schedule.
It never feels good to be turned
down, but if he's only doing it once in awhile, try to remember that it's
probably really not you (just like it's not always him when you're not feelin'
it). Find another way to connect instead, like giving each other back rubs or
snuggling up in front of a movie.
3. You're Offended When He Doesn't
Remember Every Part of Your Story
Some say it's all in the details,
but that's not the case when it comes to most men. If his eyes glaze over as
you're explaining the backstory of how your boss's cousin met her fiancé, it's
not that he doesn't find it interesting, it's just that he's waiting for you to
get to the point.
"Most men are about the
bottom line. They're solution-oriented, rather than detail-oriented," says
Fields. "He should be mentally present while you're talking - that's a
fair expectation - but don't think of it as a character flaw if he's less interested
in, or simply can't remember, the details."
Laugh it off next time he loses
the thread when you're recounting a lunch conversation with your work colleague,
but if it's a serious matter, cut to the chase: Say up front that you want to
talk to him about something important to you and his ears will perk right up.
4. You Get Upset When He's Not Interested
in Talking About Your Fight Last Month
Men don't really dwell on or
analyze events from the past as much as women do - which is both a blessing and
a curse. On the one hand, it's good because it's easier for them to move on
from an issue that's already been put to rest.
Fields says that can be the best
move in some situations, when it's healthier to move forward and focus on the
present. On the other hand, though, sometimes it means they don't understand
why something that they think is over really isn't - because you want to make
sure there aren't any lingering issues.
When this happens, well, blame
both of your emotions. Women have more natural mood highs and lows than guys
do, and along with that comes a wider range of emotions. So when your man seems
to be dismissing you, he probably isn't - it's more likely that he just isn't
experiencing the same emotions as you, and he's already expressed everything
he's feeling.
"For women, it's like a fun,
recreational sport to talk about feelings," says Fields. "For men, a
recreational sport is a basketball game." If you really need to talk it
out still, just let him know that and he's likely to make the effort because he
knows it's important to you.
That said, don't assume he'll
have a perfect, well-formulated response. He may need a few days to process it
all, so tell him it's okay to discuss it again in a few days.
Universal Pictures
5. You're Annoyed That He Doesn't Want to
Work Out Together
Hopefully you have a few shared
interests and activities, but if your husband is more into watching golf than
playing it, consider letting him off the hook.
A recent study found that it's
less important for couples to share the same activities, and instead focus on
having hobbies you both enjoy, even if they're separate. He doesn't have to
share your love of competitive swimming or running, as long as he supports the
stuff that make you happy - and, of course, cheers you on when you cross that
finish line.
6. You Hate When He Looks At Models Or
Celebs
Unless he does it constantly or
is disrespectful, it's normal for your husband to appreciate other attractive
women - as long as he isn't making rude comparisons or making you feel
uncomfortable. If he's checking out the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,
it's probably harmless and not worth digging in your heels over.
7. He Always Seems to Say the Wrong Thing
and Make You Feel Worse
When you have a hellish day and
assume that's written all over your resting bitch face, it would be great if
your husband said or did the perfect, world-fixing thing - ike he used to do
when you were first dating. Unfortunately, years into a relationship, it's
not-so-realistic to expect him to magically sweet-talk your problems or bad
mood away.
"It's up to you to manage
your own expectations," says Fields. "Don't push him too much to do
or be or say what you want - you'll only be disappointed."
When he doesn't talk you off your
stressed-out ledge as sweetly as he once did, or dropped the habit of
surprising you with flowers long ago, it could be a sign that he's got an awful
lot on his own plate.
Every marriage (and spouse)
experiences tough, less lovey-dovey phases. Put yourself in his shoes: Is he
110% overloaded with work obligations, family responsibilities, bills, and
more? Probably - but he doesn't have the natural emotional inclination to tell
you all about it. Rather, guys tend to act out or shut down entirely when they're
struggling.
So rather than snap at him more
for not reading your mind, try to remember that he's probably had a rough day
too, and the two of you can work together to end your day on a high note.
No comments:
Post a Comment