5 Ways You Could Be Cheating On Your Spouse Without Realizing It

The last thing any married person wants to hear is that their spouse has been unfaithful. But, the truth is, you’ve probably been unfaithful and didn’t even realize it.

Typically when we think of cheating, we think of having a physical affair, which can be a reality for both men and women. However, being unfaithful to one another goes deeper than a physical relationship. Most married couples will agree that being unfaithful can include emotional affairs and viewing pornography, but let’s consider the less obvious ways we’re unfaithful to our spouses.

1.         Selfishness

Did you know you could be unfaithful to your spouse with yourself? Anytime you choose self-gratification over spouse-gratification, you’re being unfaithful.

Self-gratification can take on many forms through physical, mental and emotional outlets. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having hobbies, enjoying time with your friends or taking time alone for yourself.

There is, however a problem with all these things if you intentionally choose these things over spending time with your spouse.

If we truly counted our spouses more significant than ourselves, our marriages would look vastly different. We wouldn’t selfishly choose “me time” over “us time”.  

2.         Our friends

Women were created to be nurturing, affectionate and emotionally intimate. These are wonderful attributes that allow women to love on others with not only the closeness of a friend, but that of a sister or mother. The danger for women is that we can sometimes allow ourselves, or our gal pals, to become husband-replacements.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this seeking out a trusted female to confide in once in a while. However, if you purposely bypass your husband and seek counsel from a girlfriend because you long for the comfort she brings over the comfort you should be receiving from your husband, you are letting the friendship turn into a “mini-marriage.” You have allowed my girlfriend to replace my husband.

God intended for women to seek wisdom and counsel from their husbands (1 Cor. 14:35). That doesn’t mean other women aren’t a great source of encouragement and wisdom. In fact, Titus 2:3-5 directly instructs women to teach and support one another. However, we must keep our hearts in check and make sure we aren’t replacing the valuable counsel of our husbands for the emotional connection with other women.

3.         Daydreaming

Daydreaming can seem harmless, especially if it doesn’t involve sexual lust, but if you find yourself daydreaming about someone of the opposite sex (that isn’t your spouse) it’s wrong.

For instance, let’s say your husband isn’t a chivalrous man, but while out to dinner, you notice another man opening the door for his wife, pulling out her chair at the table and then holding her hand across the table.

You may not find yourself lusting after this man’s physical appearance, but you find yourself daydreaming about this man sitting across from you, treating you like his queen. You’ve allowed another man to replace your husband in your thoughts; you’ve been unfaithful.

Nearly all infidelity starts in the mind. A seemingly innocent daydream can cause great strain in a marriage when reality doesn’t live up to the storyline playing in your head. The more time you spend in a perfectly controlled daydream, the more your reality seems out of control. The more faultless the man in your daydreams become, the more faults you find in your real life partner.

Ultimately this boils down to covetousness, desiring something other than what you have.

Daydreams will never fulfill the longing we have to be perfectly loved; only the Father who loves us perfectly can fill that void.

4.         Technology/Internet

We live in a time when couples go to dinner and spend the evening looking down at their phones rather than gazing into one another’s eyes from across the table.

We spend more time texting than talking. You could argue that if both the husband and wife are doing this, then what’s the problem?

If you’re one of those couples who go to dinner and you both immediately pull out your phones, you should ask yourself these questions:

• Are you avoiding one another?
• Are you more comfortable sitting in silence than engaging in actual conversation?
• Are you possibly being unfaithful?

If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you both need to put down your phones and talk before it’s too late.

5.         Work

A lot of couples spend their time thinking about another spouse – their work! It may sound strange and silly, but work can most certainly become a stumbling block in a marriage, particularly if leads to neglect of one’s partner.

For the ever aspiring career person, there is the real danger of giving more of yourself to your work and less of yourself to your spouse.

• Are you coming home emotionally drained, unable to meet the emotional needs of your spouse?
• Are you coming home physically drained, leaving your spouse physically disappointed?  

If you’re consistently coming home, having poured so much of yourself into your work that there is nothing left for your spouse, you are neglecting your role in your own home and you are being unfaithful.   

We must guard our hearts even under the best of circumstances and purest intentions. We must ask ourselves: Does my loyalty to my work, career, (especially for those in church ministry), trump my loyalty to my marriage?

Good communication is vital to a healthy marriage. Talk to your spouse and ask them what you’re currently doing, or what you could potentially do that would make them feel threatened, left out or cheated on. You might be surprised to learn that you’ve been unfaithful and didn’t even know it.

Adapted from Beth Ann Baus