The Real Reason Men Cheat

Being cheated on is one of the most painful, shattering experiences, one that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I unfortunately know first hand how brutal it is. You feel betrayed, your trust is destroyed, your self-esteem is ravaged, and you can’t stop questioning what you did wrong and what signs you must have missed.

The one thing I wish I had realized a decade ago, when the guy I considered to be the love of my life cheated on me, is that it really had nothing to do with me, it was the result of his own internal issues. And that’s how it usually goes. The reason I was so confused back then is I didn’t have an understanding of the male psyche, and I didn’t know the internal psychological factors that cause men to cheat.

I am not saying there is an excuse why he did it, but there is a reason. And knowing the reason can be therapeutic in a way. So here is the real reason why men cheat:

1.         Men don’t cheat because they’re scumbags or scoundrels.

It’s not because they can’t control themselves and oftentimes is not because they no longer desire you . Men usually are tempted to cheat when they no longer feel like winners in their relationship. This isn’t true of all men, but it is for most. I’m not talking about narcissists or sociopaths or guys with major commitment issues. I’m talking about normal, stable dudes.

A man’s most fundamental drive in this world is to feel like a winner. He needs to feel like he is “conquering,” like he is significant, like he is having an impact on the world, like his is pursuing his mission in life. Women are typically more driven by the desire to connect and build interpersonal relationships.

When a woman cheats, it’s usually because her emotional needs are no longer being met—maybe she no longer feels seen or cared for or understood. When a man cheats, it is most often because he feels like a loser in the relationship. He feels like he is constantly disappointing his woman and nothing he does is good enough.

He may feel like she no longer desires him sexually, like she doesn’t appreciate him, like she’s disappointed in him, like she isn’t impressed by him. If these feelings converge with him meeting a woman who is turned on by him, who does value him, who does appreciate him, who makes him feel like a man well….

I’m not saying cheating in this case is okay or acceptable. I’m not giving excuses; I’m just giving a reason. When my ex cheated on me I was devastated and thought he was the world’s biggest scumbag. I hated him and I hated her and I hated myself for getting involved with him and expending all that time and energy on him and the relationship. However, in looking back I can understand exactly why it happened.

The answers didn’t come until several years later with both the wisdom that comes with experience and my somewhat hasty decision to reach out to him and ask the questions that had been haunting me. The short version of this very long conversation is that while he did love and care for me, being with me made him feel like an even bigger loser. The more I tried to “fix” him, the more damaged he felt. The more I did for him, the more useless he felt. The more I tried to make his life easier, the more comfortable he became with his own misery.

Cheating usually is the result of an easy opportunity and him feeling like a loser, either in life or in his relationship. In order to feel valuable and significant again, he may give in to temptation, it doesn’t matter how much he loves his partner. I know it may sound ridiculous to you, but this really is a testament to how vital a man’s need to feel like a winner is. Men will often sacrifice things that they truly hold dear simply to temporarily get rid of the feeling of being a loser.

2.         Affairs usually start when a man feels misunderstood.

For instance when the areas of his life that are important to him are being criticized or deemed not important. Then he finds a woman appreciates him, who gives him something he isn’t getting from his primary relationship…and he strays. 

It’s not that he doesn’t love his partner, she just can no longer connect to him in the way he wants most and when that sort of pure appreciation comes from another source he can’t help but be drawn to it.

For example, let’s say a guy is a programmer. During the workday, he is on fire with passion and thrives off of meeting the daily challenges of his job. After killing it all day, he comes home feeling on top of the world and wants to share that energy with his girl. She quickly dismisses him and says, “You know I don’t understand all that technical stuff, it just makes no sense to me. 

Can we talk about something else?” Bam, he has officially shut down. He feels like she doesn’t accept the most important part of his life, the thing that makes him feel effective and worthwhile.

Since she doesn’t care about what he does, he seeks that type of understanding elsewhere. He may spend more time with people who are part of that world, or are passionate about the same kind of mission. 

Maybe a girl will come along who finds what he does sexy, and she appreciates him for the effort and passion he puts into it. When he’s with her, he gets all this validation and appreciation for the man he is and the mission he’s on. He feels good about himself around her, he feels seen, he feels desired….and these things combined have the potential to take him down a bad path.

You don’t have to study code or take programming classes. It doesn’t even matter if you’re the most technologically challenged person on the planet. You don’t have to connect to the technical side at all, what you should try to connect with are the emotions he feels about it. It’s easy to recognize when a man is excited about something, when he’s driven to win and succeed.

3.         You aren’t responsible for his entire emotional wellbeing

A man also needs to live his life in a way where he feels good about himself and that doesn’t only come from you. You can’t change him or control him, all you can do is try to build a meaningful connection and support his aspirations in life (and he should do the same for you as well).

When a man is with a woman who taps into his vision and what he wants out of life, and tries to connect to these areas, he feels empowered and inspired and he won’t ever want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship.

In an article revealing the most common things men complain about in marriage counseling, psychotherapist and Neuman Method co-creator M. Gary Neuman revealed the biggest complaint he hears from men who have cheated usually isn’t a lackluster sex life, but rather feeling under-appreciated by their wives.

“The problem is, too many women think that if they are overly appreciative to their husbands, they’ll reduce their husband’s desire to please her. It’s quite the opposite. Men are energized when they feel their wives are appreciating them,” he said.

I want to just add that I do not think it is ever okay to cheat. I think it is cruel and selfish and I am not excusing it in any way…I’m explaining it. More than anything I hope by understanding the reason you won’t blame yourself for his transgression and think it said something about you….which is the huge mistake I made.

–Sabrina Alexis

Would You Allow Your Husband Cheat on You?

Infidelity is one of the greatest killers of a marriage relationship. But someone seems to have a fresh batch of relationship goals. 


Mo’Nique, 47, opened up during an interview with True Exclusives about how she feels regarding people who use the “pass to cheat” method in their relationships.

 “When you say ‘a pass to cheat’ — see, when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend, ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually and I wanna (sic) share it with you,’ when you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations,” the actress reveals.

“Often times, people cheat because of something they’re not getting. But when you have open and honest dialogue and you say we’re just human beings and all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’. Now if you wanna (sic) go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations.”

Mo’Nique, who has been married to Sidney Hicks for the last nine years, concludes with, “What is it about that person that you find that you wanna (sic) sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. 

And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not gon’ (sic) do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real (sic).”

It sounds like Sidney is a lucky man — if you’re into that sort of thing.

Source:

5 Ways You Could Be Cheating On Your Spouse Without Realizing It

The last thing any married person wants to hear is that their spouse has been unfaithful. But, the truth is, you’ve probably been unfaithful and didn’t even realize it.

Typically when we think of cheating, we think of having a physical affair, which can be a reality for both men and women. However, being unfaithful to one another goes deeper than a physical relationship. Most married couples will agree that being unfaithful can include emotional affairs and viewing pornography, but let’s consider the less obvious ways we’re unfaithful to our spouses.

1.         Selfishness

Did you know you could be unfaithful to your spouse with yourself? Anytime you choose self-gratification over spouse-gratification, you’re being unfaithful.

Self-gratification can take on many forms through physical, mental and emotional outlets. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having hobbies, enjoying time with your friends or taking time alone for yourself.

There is, however a problem with all these things if you intentionally choose these things over spending time with your spouse.

If we truly counted our spouses more significant than ourselves, our marriages would look vastly different. We wouldn’t selfishly choose “me time” over “us time”.  

2.         Our friends

Women were created to be nurturing, affectionate and emotionally intimate. These are wonderful attributes that allow women to love on others with not only the closeness of a friend, but that of a sister or mother. The danger for women is that we can sometimes allow ourselves, or our gal pals, to become husband-replacements.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this seeking out a trusted female to confide in once in a while. However, if you purposely bypass your husband and seek counsel from a girlfriend because you long for the comfort she brings over the comfort you should be receiving from your husband, you are letting the friendship turn into a “mini-marriage.” You have allowed my girlfriend to replace my husband.

God intended for women to seek wisdom and counsel from their husbands (1 Cor. 14:35). That doesn’t mean other women aren’t a great source of encouragement and wisdom. In fact, Titus 2:3-5 directly instructs women to teach and support one another. However, we must keep our hearts in check and make sure we aren’t replacing the valuable counsel of our husbands for the emotional connection with other women.

3.         Daydreaming

Daydreaming can seem harmless, especially if it doesn’t involve sexual lust, but if you find yourself daydreaming about someone of the opposite sex (that isn’t your spouse) it’s wrong.

For instance, let’s say your husband isn’t a chivalrous man, but while out to dinner, you notice another man opening the door for his wife, pulling out her chair at the table and then holding her hand across the table.

You may not find yourself lusting after this man’s physical appearance, but you find yourself daydreaming about this man sitting across from you, treating you like his queen. You’ve allowed another man to replace your husband in your thoughts; you’ve been unfaithful.

Nearly all infidelity starts in the mind. A seemingly innocent daydream can cause great strain in a marriage when reality doesn’t live up to the storyline playing in your head. The more time you spend in a perfectly controlled daydream, the more your reality seems out of control. The more faultless the man in your daydreams become, the more faults you find in your real life partner.

Ultimately this boils down to covetousness, desiring something other than what you have.

Daydreams will never fulfill the longing we have to be perfectly loved; only the Father who loves us perfectly can fill that void.

4.         Technology/Internet

We live in a time when couples go to dinner and spend the evening looking down at their phones rather than gazing into one another’s eyes from across the table.

We spend more time texting than talking. You could argue that if both the husband and wife are doing this, then what’s the problem?

If you’re one of those couples who go to dinner and you both immediately pull out your phones, you should ask yourself these questions:

• Are you avoiding one another?
• Are you more comfortable sitting in silence than engaging in actual conversation?
• Are you possibly being unfaithful?

If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you both need to put down your phones and talk before it’s too late.

5.         Work

A lot of couples spend their time thinking about another spouse – their work! It may sound strange and silly, but work can most certainly become a stumbling block in a marriage, particularly if leads to neglect of one’s partner.

For the ever aspiring career person, there is the real danger of giving more of yourself to your work and less of yourself to your spouse.

• Are you coming home emotionally drained, unable to meet the emotional needs of your spouse?
• Are you coming home physically drained, leaving your spouse physically disappointed?  

If you’re consistently coming home, having poured so much of yourself into your work that there is nothing left for your spouse, you are neglecting your role in your own home and you are being unfaithful.   

We must guard our hearts even under the best of circumstances and purest intentions. We must ask ourselves: Does my loyalty to my work, career, (especially for those in church ministry), trump my loyalty to my marriage?

Good communication is vital to a healthy marriage. Talk to your spouse and ask them what you’re currently doing, or what you could potentially do that would make them feel threatened, left out or cheated on. You might be surprised to learn that you’ve been unfaithful and didn’t even know it.

Adapted from Beth Ann Baus