Being
cheated on is one of the most painful, shattering experiences, one that I
wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I unfortunately know first hand how brutal it is.
You feel betrayed, your trust is destroyed, your self-esteem is ravaged, and
you can’t stop questioning what you did wrong and what signs you must have
missed.
The
one thing I wish I had realized a decade ago, when the guy I considered to be
the love of my life cheated on me, is that it really had nothing to do with me,
it was the result of his own internal issues. And that’s how it usually goes.
The reason I was so confused back then is I didn’t have an understanding of the
male psyche, and I didn’t know the internal psychological factors that cause
men to cheat.
I
am not saying there is an excuse why he did it, but there is a reason. And
knowing the reason can be therapeutic in a way. So here is the real
reason why men cheat:
1. Men don’t
cheat because they’re scumbags or scoundrels.
It’s
not because they can’t control themselves and oftentimes is not because they no
longer desire you . Men usually are tempted to cheat when they no longer feel
like winners in their relationship. This isn’t true of all men, but
it is for most. I’m not talking about narcissists or sociopaths or guys with
major commitment issues. I’m talking about normal, stable dudes.
A
man’s most fundamental drive in this world is to feel like a winner. He needs
to feel like he is “conquering,” like he is significant, like he is having an
impact on the world, like his is pursuing his mission in life. Women are
typically more driven by the desire to connect and build interpersonal
relationships.
When
a woman cheats, it’s usually because her emotional needs are no longer being
met—maybe she no longer feels seen or cared for or understood. When a man
cheats, it is most often because he
feels like a loser in the relationship. He feels like he is constantly
disappointing his woman and nothing he does is good enough.
He
may feel like she no longer desires him sexually, like she doesn’t appreciate
him, like she’s disappointed in him, like she isn’t impressed by him. If these
feelings converge with him meeting a woman who is turned on by him, who does
value him, who does appreciate him, who makes him feel like a man well….
I’m
not saying cheating in this case is okay or acceptable. I’m not giving excuses;
I’m just giving a reason. When my ex cheated on me I was devastated and thought
he was the world’s biggest scumbag. I hated him and I hated her and I hated
myself for getting involved with him and expending all that time and energy on
him and the relationship. However, in looking back I can understand exactly why
it happened.
The
answers didn’t come until several years later with both the wisdom that comes
with experience and my somewhat hasty decision to reach out to him and ask the
questions that had been haunting me. The short version of this very long
conversation is that while he did love and care for me, being with me made him
feel like an even bigger loser. The more I tried to “fix” him, the more damaged
he felt. The more I did for him, the more useless he felt. The more I tried to
make his life easier, the more comfortable he became with his own misery.
Cheating
usually is the result of an easy opportunity and him feeling like a loser,
either in life or in his relationship. In order to feel valuable and
significant again, he may give in to temptation, it doesn’t matter how much he
loves his partner. I know it may sound ridiculous to you, but this really is a
testament to how vital a man’s need to feel like a winner is. Men will often sacrifice things that they
truly hold dear simply to temporarily get rid of the feeling of being a loser.
2. Affairs
usually start when a man feels misunderstood.
For
instance when the areas of his life that are important to him are being
criticized or deemed not important. Then he finds a woman appreciates him, who
gives him something he isn’t getting from his primary relationship…and he
strays.
It’s
not that he doesn’t love his partner, she just can no longer connect to him in
the way he wants most and when that sort of pure appreciation comes from
another source he can’t help but be drawn to it.
For
example, let’s say a guy is a programmer. During the workday, he is on fire
with passion and thrives off of meeting the daily challenges of his job. After
killing it all day, he comes home feeling on top of the world and wants to
share that energy with his girl. She quickly dismisses him and says, “You know
I don’t understand all that technical stuff, it just makes no sense to me.
Can
we talk about something else?” Bam, he has officially shut down. He
feels like she doesn’t accept the most important part of his life, the thing
that makes him feel effective and worthwhile.
Since
she doesn’t care about what he does, he seeks that type of understanding
elsewhere. He may spend more time with people who are part of that world, or
are passionate about the same kind of mission.
Maybe
a girl will come along who finds what he does sexy, and she appreciates him for
the effort and passion he puts into it. When he’s with her, he gets all this
validation and appreciation for the man he is and the mission he’s on. He feels
good about himself around her, he feels seen, he feels desired….and these
things combined have the potential to take him down a bad path.
You
don’t have to study code or take programming classes. It doesn’t even matter if
you’re the most technologically challenged person on the planet. You don’t have
to connect to the technical side at all, what you should try to connect with
are the emotions he feels about it. It’s easy to recognize when a man is
excited about something, when he’s driven to win and succeed.
3. You aren’t
responsible for his entire emotional wellbeing
A
man also needs to live his life in a way where he feels good about himself and
that doesn’t only come from you. You can’t change him or control him, all you
can do is try to build a meaningful connection and support his
aspirations in life (and he should do the same for you as well).
When
a man is with a woman who taps into his vision and what he wants out of life,
and tries to connect to these areas, he feels empowered and inspired and he
won’t ever want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship.
In
an article revealing the most common things men complain about in marriage
counseling, psychotherapist and Neuman Method co-creator M. Gary Neuman
revealed the biggest complaint he hears from men who have cheated usually
isn’t a lackluster sex life, but rather feeling under-appreciated by their
wives.
“The
problem is, too many women think that if they are overly appreciative to their
husbands, they’ll reduce their husband’s desire to please her. It’s quite
the opposite. Men are energized when they feel their wives are appreciating
them,” he said.
I
want to just add that I do not think it is ever okay to cheat. I
think it is cruel and selfish and I am not excusing it in any
way…I’m explaining it. More than anything I hope by
understanding the reason you won’t blame yourself for his transgression and
think it said something about you….which is the huge mistake I made.
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