How To Accept And Cope With Childlessness

There are many reasons for why a person may not have children. It may be due to a lack of desire, an unwilling partner or the biological inability to reproduce.

In the circumstance of involuntary childlessness, as in the two latter cases, it is not uncommon to experience grief and a certain apprehension about having a life without children. It is possible to learn to cope by following these guidelines for how to accept not having children.

1.         Express Your Feelings

Acknowledge your emotions, however varied they are, and make it a point to express them outwardly. The way you express yourself is personal to you and may involve crying, screaming, laughing, singing, writing, talking or any other of the countless forms of self-expression.

2.         Assess your reality, as it is

It is important that you are realistic about life's circumstances. If you know that you will not have children, then you must accept that fact before you can move forward. Consciously incorporate the following practices into your daily life:

• Instead of thinking of what should have or could have been, focus on what is and what can be.
•  Imagine your future without children. Make plans for yourself that revolve around not having kids. Envision your plans coming to fruition and you being happy in those plans.
• Remove painful reminders from sight. If you have baby items that you acquired in the hopes of having a baby, pack them away or give them to someone who will use them.

 3.         Put things into perspective

Remember that everyone must deal with unwanted life circumstances at times, whether it be death, illness or involuntary childlessness. Relating to others on this level may help you feel less alone.

4.         Maintain your health

Get the appropriate amount of sleep and make sure you are eating well. Neglecting your physical health can complicate the acceptance process

5.         Learn about the stages of grief

Accepting not having children is similar to any type of serious loss in that you will experience grief in its many forms. Understanding how grief manifests will prepare you to be able to manage it:

• Denial. You may be in disbelief, and mentally unwilling to accept the reality of not having kids.
• Despair. This is perhaps the most easily identifiable stage of grief, and is characterized by general symptoms of depression.
• Remorse. You may begin to question or blame yourself for not having children, and this can lead to unnecessary guilt.
• Anger. The anger associated with grief is not necessarily aimed at a person or a thing, but rather at the circumstance itself.
• Fear. When the reality of involuntary childlessness sets in, it may cause a sense of panic or anxiety.
• Physical grief. The physical symptoms of grief include insomnia, irregular appetite changes, headaches, unexplained body aches, nausea and fatigue.

 6.         Seek emotional support.

Getting outside help is extremely important to the process of coping with not having kids. There are many places you can go for this type of support:

• Mental health professionals. Find a therapist or counselor that you feel comfortable with if you feel that you are experiencing obstacles to overcoming uncomfortable emotions.
• Support groups. Search online and in your local newspapers for support groups for the involuntarily childless. Connecting with other people who share your experience can be a great source of comfort.
• Religious organizations. If you belong to a church or other religious institution, then you may be able to receive free counseling from someone you already know and trust.
• Family and friends. Expressing what you are going through to people who love and care about you can be a healthy way of dealing with the grief of not having children.

 7.         Address situational issues.

Deal with the cause for involuntary childlessness in order to fully acclimate to a life without children

• If you want children but have an unwilling partner, the decision to not have children can put a great deal of stress on the relationship. It may be difficult to avoid withholding resentment toward your partner, and you will need to rebuild the relationship once you learn to cope with not having children. Work through relationship issues with the help of a couples therapist.
• In order to accept not having kids due to infertility, it is important that you not place blame on yourself or your partner. Take time to recover physically and emotionally from any medical treatments you and/or your partner may have endured and recognize that the stress from those treatments is likely complicating your ability to cope with not having children.

Parenting – How much is too much for your Kids?

 

Should your child go for the football practice or other after school activity 5 days a week?  Are 3 days enough? It is common for parents to be a little confused when it comes to deciding how much is too much with reference to after school activities.

They argue that since most of the activities are fun (as different from studies), children will simply lap up these classes. But, too much of fun can also make a child sick. Here is a simple guide that will help you decide how much is too much for your child.

Kindergarten:

Your child is just beginning to learn to interact and get used to discipline. His or her after-school life should be simple and carefree. One or two classes per week are enough at the beginning. Once the child settles down, look for more challenging activities like a music program.

Primary 1:

One or two activities per week, play dates and playground visits are recommended. Avoid competitive sports activities. The child is still too young to have to worry about winning and losing. After the rigors of a full day at school, he or she needs a healthy outlet for pent up energy. Physical activities and noncompetitive sports are best for this age.

Primary 2:

Your child is old enough to voice opinions on what activities he or she wants. Sports, swimming or computers - steer him towards things he likes. Many children begin lessons on a musical instrument around this age. But, allow your child some 'alone time' during which he can unwind and just do whatever he wishes.

Primary 3:

Socialization begins to take center stage. Team sports are a good choice. Developing innate skills, painting, drawing etc are good too. Let the child explore areas of interests. But leave aside enough time for the family and for fun activities.

Primary 4:

At this age, the child will tell you what he likes. He needs to get involved in activities that will boost his confidence. This will also help him manage stress as this is the time when social pressure is beginning to build. But, beware of the homework demon. Your child needs more time with his studies. Balancing his schoolwork with other activities is very important.

Primary 5:

The fifth grader is bubbling with energy and will want to do just about everything. But she or he may conveniently push studies to the background. So, close supervision is needed. Keep one or two days free for family time and other activities. Now is a great time to get your child interested in community service.

Primary 6 / Preteen School Age:

Steer him away from TV. This is the formative stage when they begin to get hooked on life-long habits and activities that may affect their future well –being. Get him engaged in activities that reinforce learning. Academic performance can be improved by encouraging your preteen to join clubs like the Girl/Boy Scouts program, language clubs, chess clubs etc. As a thumb rule, 16-20 hours a week of extra activity should be more than enough. But look out for signs of burnout.

What you select for your child and how long he should work at it is basically decided by the child's temperament. As a parent, you should closely observe your child and base your decisions on feedback from the child himself.

Why Do Women Steal Children?

The resurgence of so-called baby factories everywhere and the incessant stealing of children have become worrisome. Only this year not less than four incidence of child-theft have been reported and there is the likelihood that it would not abate unless the authorities take more drastic measures.

Yesterday, July 10, 2014, the Lagos State Police Command presented a nine year old girl, Blessing (pictured above) who was rescued from three female child trafficking syndicate in Lagos who attempted to sell her again. Yes again! She had been previously sold.

The Suspected Child Merchants

According to Umaru Abubakar Manko, Lagos State Police Commissioner, Blessing was abducted from her parents about 3 years ago and has been sold to different people and made to serve as a house-maid. While presenting little Blessing to newsmen at the Ikeja Headquarters of the Command, the three female child- trafficking syndicate members were also paraded.

The question now is, why do women buy and steal children? Is a result of infertility or outright criminality? If there are no buyers or markets for these children, these syndicates would close shop.

Police Arrest Son Who killed His Father At RCCG Camp

What could be more tragic than that a man dies in the place of prayer by the hands of his own son? This is what happened when Tolani Ajayi, a 21-year old student of the Department of History and International Relations, Redeemer University, RCCG Camp Ogun State for killed his father on Tuesday 3 July.

Could this not be a result of societal influence and the consequence of a dysfunctional home with children exposed to sublime bitterness, anger and cruelty? What can provoke a son to kill his father and go about his life as though nothing happened?

The Ogun State Police Command has arrested Tolani after discovering the shattered body of Barrister Charles Ajayi, 60, Senior Advocate of Nigeria. His body  was stuffed in a box at a nearby bush at Canaanland Street at the Redeemed Christian Church of God Camp, Km 46 Lagos-Ibadan Expressway.

The suspect who is a biological son of the slain lawyer was arrested same day in his fathers residence, at the scene of the incident, at about 5:30 p.m. after the discovery of the corpse and Police preliminary findings.

Redemption Camp DPO, Olaiya Martins who led a team of detectives and some members of the community traced ground marks of the box from where it was dumped to the house of the suspect. The corpse was traced to the house of late Barr. Ajayi,where they met the suspect in a relaxed mood in the house.

Upon interrogation, the suspect who had earlier lied that his dad had gone on evangelism, however, confessed to the crime when he was taken to the Redemption Camp Divisional Headquarters.

He stated problem arose when his father confronted him for not responding to all the prayer points he raised, forcing his father to slap him. He said he went mad and went straight to the kitchen to pick up a knife to stab him and later a cutlass to cut his throat.

The exhibits including the knife and cutlass he used in killing his father had been recovered by the Police and the corpse of the SAN had been deposited at a morgue in Sagamu.

Ikemefuna Okoye, Commissioner of Police Ogun state has since sent a team of detectives led by the officer in charge of Homicide section of the Department of Criminal Investigation, Eleweran, Abeokuta to further investigate the murder.

Okoye sympathised with the family of the deceased, particularly his wife, who is also a legal practitioner and other children to take solace in the Lord. He admonished other members of the community in RCCG to be watchful, adding that, such incident will not occur again as the Command will improve on the synergy between the police and the Internal Security Operatives of the RCCG.

Why Do Nigerian Men Hate Baby Sitting

As a husband, would you be comfortable to tend the kids and baby-sit for your wife?

Yes, a woman can sometimes be genuinely tired, incapacitated, and not be in a position to look after the 

kids for a brief period. As a husband and a father, would you be glad to reverse roles with your wife for 

a while?

According to findings from researchers at Oxford University, dads who engage more with their children 

at 3 months will have better behaved babies at 12 months (and we add from 12 months and beyond!) 

You dads, it is time to begin real nappy duties.

But why are dads, especially the average Nigerian father, really uncomfortable with engaging with their 

kids at tender ages?