Divorce and 2nd Marriages …Digging Ones Grave?

 

When a man falls the first time, it is said that he gets wiser and avoid the pitfalls.  But is running away from a problem the best solution? For marriage relationships, statistics show that this is far from the truth.

It is indeed true that in recent times, a huge number of marriages end in divorce. In some societies, close to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. But what do you expect of second marriages?

It should be less than 50%, right? After all, who would make those same painful mistakes again? People marrying a second time have the "benefit" of knowing what kind of person to pick this time, right?

But the divorce rate for second marriages is 70%! And for third marriages, it’s closer to 80%! That means your chances get worse not better! If you want to quit your marriage and move to another presumably better one, you are courting more trouble for yourself. It is like jumping from frying to fire.

That's right. Because the key to succeeding in marriage is NOT finding the right person; it's YOU becoming the right person.

Did you know that women who finally get out of abusive relationships usually fall in love with another abusive man? Could this be bad luck? No, it's not luck.

Did you know that men whose first wives cheated on them usually get cheated on by their second wife too? How could that be? You'd think that after suffering the torment of infidelity a man would only marry a woman with impeccable morals and unwavering commitment. Yes, that would be the expectation, but it doesn't always work that way.

A man once came to a town and asked the local sage, "I'm thinking about moving here. What kinds of people live here?"

The sage asked the man, "What kinds of people live in the town you came from?"

"Where I'm from the people are liars, cheaters, and mean hearted," the man responded.

"The people are the same here," said the sage.

Then another man came to town and asked the sage the same question, "I'm thinking about moving here. What kinds of people live here?"

The sage asked the man, "What kinds of people live in the town you came from?"

"Where I'm from the people are wonderful, kind, and courteous," the man responded.

"The people are the same here," said the sage.

Truly, people are not as you see or perceive them; people are as YOU are.

What do you get when you smile at someone? You get a smile back. And if you stare at someone; you get a stare back. What you get is what you are.

In marriage, your relationship is not simply a function of who you pick; it's also a function of who you are. Who you are and who your spouse is mixes to form the dynamics of your relationship.

I know you want your spouse to change. And YES your marriage would be better if they did. But if you change, it can change things just as well.

In essence, both you and your spouse contribute to the dynamics in your relationship, whatever they are, and both you and your spouse can single-handedly change them.

No matter what your spouse did to cause your marriage to deteriorate, they're responsible. And yes, they should change. But did you not play a role too? I know that's hard to hear. It's a bitter pill to swallow. But once you swallow it, you're no longer a helpless victim; you become empowered to change circumstances that seemed out of your control.

It's easy to confess your spouse's sins. And you're probably correct about what your spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be right. And it's a complete waste of time and energy to focus on your spouse's problems. There's nothing you can do about it. Your spouse will change only when they're ready to change. The only relevant question for you is: What are you changing?

You had a role in the deterioration of your marriage. Hardly is a marital situation caused by one spouse. There's always dual responsibility. What can you do to improve the situation?

Reflect on your past relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at your parent's marriage. Are you recreating the model you saw when you were a child? Have you explored with a professional the childhood roots of your relationship habits and how they contributed to your marital circumstances?

Even if your spouse had an affair, you're partly responsible. That doesn't mean that it's your fault and it doesn't excuse your spouse's inappropriate behavior, but the question still remains: What was your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was not available within it?

Don't just sit there or attempt to run away. If you want your situation to change, then change it! Do your part. If you change, then everything around you changes too.