A lot of people actually experience panic attacks
while engaged in sex. Symptoms of revulsion at the very thought of having sex
is also a typical symptom.
The symptoms of aversion to sex include:
- are fear of engaging in sex, trying to make the sex act as short as possible
- finding that you need to build up your confidence and resolve before sex just to get through it
- thinking of excuses to avoid or postpone sex
- and feeling ill just prior to sex and somewhat depressed afterward.
So what
can you do, if this is your case? Or how can you help prevent you or your
spouse from becoming its victim?
To overcome the aversion, you must break the
association of sex with your husband from the unpleasant emotional reaction.
The easiest way to do that is to associate sex with the state of relaxation.
1. Learn to relax when you think about sex
Always make yourself comfortable and if possible,
play relaxing music in the background. Think of various experiences that you
have had. Some of them will help you relax and others will make you feel tense.
If you have an aversion to sex, whenever you
think about making love, you will probably feel your tension rise and it will
definitely feel unpleasant to you.
Stop thinking about sex, and redirect your
thoughts to relaxing experiences. It may take you five minutes or more before
you are fully relaxed.
When you are completely relaxed, think about
making love again, but this time remain completely relaxed. Don't allow any
muscle to tense up. As you think about sex, you will notice that some thoughts
don't bother you at all, but others, like making love to your husband, may make
it almost impossible to remain relaxed.
Don't think about making love to your husband
just yet. Think only about sex, in general. Leave your husband out of your
thoughts altogether. Investigate your own reactions to sex by imagining various
aspects of sex.
If you have any sexual fantasies, think about
them, and what it is that makes them appealing to you. Then, without thinking
of your husband, think about other aspects of sex that are less appealing or
downright unappealing. Be completely relaxed while you are thinking of all of
these things.
When your first fifteen minutes relaxation
exercise is over, take notes of what you learned about yourself.
- What sexual thoughts were appealing to you, and what thoughts were unappealing?
- What thoughts made you feel relaxed,
- and what thoughts made it difficult for you to relax?
If there were certain sexual thoughts (not
related to your husband) that made you feel tense, repeat this 15 minute
exercise each day until you can think about them without feeling tense.
2. Learn
to relax when you think about having sex with your husband
If you have an aversion to sex with your husband,
you will feel an unpleasant tension whenever you think of making love to him.
So in this step, the goal is to be able to think about it without feeling
tension or experiencing an unpleasant reaction.
As already explained, an aversive reaction is
created when an unpleasant emotional reaction is associated with a situation or
behavior. The way to reverse that association is to try to stop the unpleasant
reaction from occurring when the situation or behavior is present.
If you can feel relaxed just thinking about sex
with your spouse, that also tends to "extinguish" the aversive
association that was previously made.
Close your eyes, sit back, and relax. Be certain
you are alone and without anything or anyone to distract you. Relax all your
muscles from head to toe as you did before, and think about making love with
your husband.
You will notice that certain thoughts are more
upsetting than others. It could be that one of the ways your husband wants to
make love is particularly upsetting to you. This could raise your anxiety
level. Eventually you will find that even thoughts of the most upsetting sex
acts will no longer elicit an unpleasant reaction. That's because with proper
relaxation, you can extinguish your emotional reactions to almost anything.
3. Learn
to relax when you think about having sex with your husband with him in the same
room
As soon as you have learned to be relaxed when
thinking about making love to your husband, you are ready for the next step,
inviting him to join you in the same room.
His
very presence may make you tense. But if you relax all of your muscles and
senses, you will eventually find yourself comfortable once again. Then, as you
think about making love to him, continue to relax.
It is essential for your husband to understand
that you, not he, must be in complete control of your recovery process or it
will not work. If he cannot or will not agree to that, it not only explains why
you have the aversion to begin with, but also explains how his lack of
cooperation has prevented your recovery.
4. Learn
to relax when you talk to your husband about having sex with him
Be ready to talk with your husband about sex.
Tell your husband what you are thinking. At first, limit your description to
sexual situations that you find easy to talk about, and avoid talking about
those sex acts that you find particularly disturbing.
When you first start talking about sex, you will
find your tension rising again, but after a little practice, you will learn to
be relaxed as you describe your feelings. He should say nothing to you as you
talk to him. All he should do is listen.
Describe as many sexual situations to your
husband as you can think of. Whenever you talk about them, try to remain
completely relaxed, and you will eventually find that even your most disturbing
sexual memories will no longer elicit a tense or anxious response.
5. Learn
to relax when you make love to your husband
You should ease into a sexual relationship with
your husband very slowly and comfortably.
First, you should learn to become comfortable
with affection, being able to hug, kiss and hold hands without any fear that it
will lead to sex. Then, have your husband rub your arms, feet and lower legs,
backs, and other non-erogenous zones (avoid breast, stomach and genital areas),
again without it leading to sex. Do the same for him.
When you are comfortable being touched by your
husband in non-erogenous zones, and you are comfortable touching him, you are
ready to begin the first stages of making love.
By the time you are able to talk to your husband
about having sex with him while feeling completely relaxed you may have already
started to experience feelings of sexual arousal. The affection you experienced
may also have led to feelings of sexual arousal. That feeling of sexual arousal
is your signal to make love to your husband. Don't ever try to make love
without it.
Remember, if any aspect of lovemaking is
unpleasant to you, figure out a way of making it enjoyable.
Have your husband rub your back in a way that you
enjoy, not just a way that he enjoys. Resist the temptation to go ahead and
make love just to make your husband happy, because it is likely to set you
back. Remember, if this program is not successful, you will probably go back to
not making love at all.
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