Sex Drive Killers for Married People

Sex is a necessary part of marriage. But many married people do not really enjoy their sex lives while some are confined to sexless marriages, where a spouse feels there isn’t enough sex or there is no sex at all.

One spouse may want sex every night and the other spouse only wants it a couple of a week. For some, their partners can stay off six for even up to six weeks without blinking an eye. 

The problem for many people is simple low sex drive, and this makes a huge difference in the sexual needs of spouses. 

There are many causes of differing sex drives in the marriage.  Here are some of the commonest ones:

1.         Stress

For some people, many things may go well even when they're stressed. But feeling sexy usually isn't one of them. 

Stress at work, home, or in relationships can happen to anyone. Learning how to handle it in a healthy way really helps. You can do a lot of it yourself, and a counselor or doctor can also help.

2.         Partner Problems

Problems with spouses are among the top sex-drive killers. For women, feeling close is a major part of desire. 

For both sexes, watch for fallout from fights, poor communication, feeling betrayed, or other trust issues. If it's tricky to get back on track, reach out to a couples’ counselor.

3.         Alcohol

Just a simple drink may make you feel more open to sex. But too much alcohol can numb your sex drive. Being drunk can also be a turn-off for your partner. If you have trouble drinking less, seek help.

4.         Too Little Sleep

If your sexual get-up-and-go is gone, maybe you're not getting enough sleep. Do you go to bed too late or rise too early? Do you have a sleep problem like trouble falling or staying asleep, or a condition such as sleep apnea? 

Anything that messes with a good night's rest can mess with sex. Fatigue saps sexy feelings. Work on your sleep habits, and if that doesn't help, talk to your doctor.

5.         Having Kids

You don't lose your sex drive once you're a parent. However, you do lose some time to be close with kids under foot. 

To solve this, hire a babysitter to nurture some time to be partners as well as parents. If you have a new baby, try sex during baby's nap time.

6.         Medication

Some drugs can turn down sex desire. Some of these types of medications include:

• Antidepressants
• Blood pressure medications
• Birth control pills (some studies show a link; others don't)
• Chemotherapy
• Anti-HIV drugs
• Finasteride

Switching drugs or dosages may help - ask your doctor about that and never stop taking any medicine on your own. Tell your doctor, too, if your sex drive stalls soon after you start taking a new drug.

7.         Poor Body Image

Feeling sexy is easier if you like how you look. Work on accepting your body as it is today, even if you're working to get in shape. 

Feeling good about yourself can put you in the mood. If your partner has low esteem, assure them that they're sexy.

8.         Obesity

When you're overweight or obese, desire often dims. It could be that you don't enjoy sex, can't perform like you want to, or are held back by low self-esteem. 

Working on how you feel about yourself, with a counselor if needed, may make a big difference.

9.         Erection Problems

Men with ED (erectile dysfunction) often worry about how they will be able to perform sexually, and that worry can drain their desire. 

Note that ED can be treated, and couples can also work to keep it from affecting their relationship. 

10.       Low Testosterone

The "T" hormone, testosterone, fuels sex drive. As men age, their T levels may drop a bit. Not all lose the desire for sex as this happens, but some do. 

Many other things - from relationships to weight - also affect a man's sex drive and testosterone levels, so there's not a one-size-fits-all answer for every man.

11.       Depression

Being depressed can shut off pleasure in many things, including sex. That's one of many reasons to get help. 

If your treatment involves medication, tell your doctor if your sex drive is low, since some (but not all) depression drugs lower sex drive. Talk about it with your therapist, too.  

12.       Menopause

For many women, sex drive dims around menopause. That's partly about symptoms such as vaginal dryness and pain during sex.

But every woman is different, and it's possible to have a great sex life after menopause by tending to your relationship, self esteem, and overall health.

13.       Lack of Closeness

Intimacy provokes strong emotional feelings. Sex without feeling close can slay desire. Intimacy is more than just sex. If your sex life is idling, try spending more non-sexual time together, just the two of you. 

Talk, cuddle, exchange messages, etc. Find ways to express love without having sex. Getting closer can rebuild your sex drive.

Adapted: 

 

My Husband Caught Me Masturbating, And It Led to Our Divorce

Sure, it's awkward being walked in on. But how my husband responded was what shocked me the most.

 

When I first met my husband, he was a fun, confident, and affectionate person. He worked in sales and I was getting my personal training certification to launch a big career change. It was the second marriage for both of us, so we felt like we had learned a lot from our previous relationships to really make this one work. 

For a while, I believed we'd really make it—he'd take me to amazing dinners, on romantic weekend trips, and we'd spend hours talking and laughing. And sexuality was never an issue. He was the first one to crack a dirty joke and our physical chemistry was off the charts.

Over time, though, our sex life changed. And by that I mean it became nonexistent. What once was us having sex at least a few times a week turned into one or two times a month, if I was lucky. He grew more emotionally distant and had trouble getting aroused, and while I knew he was dealing with a lot of financial stress at work (and I was bringing in less money due to my job switch), he never wanted to have a conversation with me, or even see a doctor. 

The more I tried to talk, the more he withdrew into his work—he started sleeping on the couch, being less affectionate, and making comments about how attractive he found other women. I kept wondering why he was pulling away when I was trying to be open and supportive, and I was almost certain that he was cheating, though I never confronted him about it. I knew I needed to, but I'd already been through another failed marriage and I was secretly hoping things would turn around.

I'm the first to admit that I'm a sexual person, so during this time I decided to take control and satisfy my own needs. I had never been shy about masturbation before, but it was always something that was a private experience; something I did as, well, a side job when I felt the urge—it was never the main event.

One night, he walked in on me mid-act. I was in bed using my vibrator under the covers, and I'd assumed he had fallen asleep on the couch per usual, so I definitely wasn't expecting him. I was right at the brink…and that's the moment he walked in. As soon as he realized what was happening, it was so incredibly awkward. Like, a teenage boy getting caught by his mom awkward. Which took me completely by surprise—it's not like we had never seen each other naked or, you know, had sex before. 

But instead of getting turned on (like I've been told time and time again is the case for guys) he really seemed hurt and shocked, which quickly turned into irritation and a fight about him not being enough for me.

As much as I tried to explain that I had physical, sexual needs, he didn't understand that it was something that I was doing for me. He brushed aside the fact that we weren't having sex, and said that I needed to try harder to initiate sex with him. He also claimed that because of day-to-day life, the thrill was gone—talk about a gut punch. Eventually, he said that he didn't want to know or hear about anything related to me masturbating. I felt shocked, hurt, and on some levels ashamed.

After that, his emotional wall became even harder to break through, and I was more insecure. I had suggested counseling in the past and though he had always been wary, we finally went together. Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on how you look at it—that was when we realized that our hearts weren't in it. He was already emotionally checked out of the relationship, and I couldn't keep trying for the both of us.

While obviously there were larger issues between us as a couple, that intimate moment is the one that signaled the ultimate demise of our relationship, in my opinion. My husband could have chosen to accept me and my sexuality, and instead I felt judged. I really wish that we could have been more open about our wants, needs, and desires within our marriage, but eventually I realized that his entire persona when I first met him, even his dirty jokes, were a front; something he used to cover up how insecure he was. 

It finally sunk in that it wasn't all my fault. I've been dating a little recently and I feel more comfortable in my own skin after working with a therapist on my own. And what's most important, I feel confident about telling the men I'm dating what I need and want—both in and out of the bedroom.

The Expert's Take:
While talking about pleasure, especially self-pleasure, with your partner can be challenging, a common misconception is that people masturbate if they are unhappy with their sex life. But that isn't the case. "Most people still masturbate within a happy, healthy relationship, says Alexandra Jamieson, author of Women, Food and Desire: Embrace Your Cravings, Make Peace with Food, Reclaim Your Body. "Many don't talk about it, though, and it creates a gaping hole in the relationship conversation." If your partner has concerns, here are some ways to help address them.

Pick your moment to talk. If your partner is freaking out, don't try to argue with them in the moment. Let things settle a bit and make time for the conversation. Really hear their fears—it will help you get to the heart of any issues, especially any feelings of inadequacy. Even though it can be a tough conversation to have, it can lead to a deeper, more trusting relationship.

Know the benefits and share them with your partner. "Women get a sort of halo effect from masturbating," says Jamieson. "Their partners should be encouraging of it, because it means great things for them too." Masturbating is psychologically relaxing, she says, and can take the edge off right before and during the menstrual cycle. 

It also helps the body release dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin, which all help lower the main stress hormone, cortisol. Not to mention women who masturbate regularly tend to feel more positively about their body. "When a woman can give herself pleasure without having to worry about bringing anyone else pleasure, she feels better—and more confident—about herself," she says.

It'll increase your libido. Research shows self-pleasure—even sexy daydreams—can help release testosterone and boost libido. "When a woman is more consistently turned on because she's allowed to be a sexual individual, she's more likely to want sex more with her partner," says Jamieson. 

And remember, there's nothing wrong with letting him watch once in a while, if you're comfortable with it—it may help him become more comfortable with the idea of you masturbating in general, and help him understand that it's a sexual release for you, and has nothing to do with your satisfaction in the relationship.

Source:

Erectile Dysfunction in Married Men

 Erectile dysfunction (ED) is when a man has persistent problems sustaining an erection. ED can make sexual intercourse impossible without treatment. ED can first emerge in a man as early as 40 according to the Massachusetts Male Aging Study on sexual dysfunction. They also found that an estimated 18 to 30 million men are affected by ED.

 

Does ED Mean Poor Libido?

ED refers specifically to problems achieving or maintaining an erection. Other forms of male sexual dysfunction include poor libido and problems with ejaculation. Men with ED often have a healthy libido, but their bodies fail to respond in the sexual encounter by producing an erection. Usually there is a physical basis for the problem.

ED Symptoms

Symptoms of ED include erections that are too soft for sexual intercourse, erections that last only briefly, and an inability to achieve erections. Men who cannot have or maintain an erection at least 75% of the time that they attempt sex are considered to have ED.

Who Can Get ED?

Sexual dysfunction is more common as men age. According to the Massachusetts Male Aging Study, about 40% of men experience some degree of inability to have or maintain an erection at age 40 compared with 70% of men at age 70. And the percentage of men with ED increases from 5% to 15% as age increases from 40 to 70 years. ED can be treated at any age.

The Mechanics Behind ED

When blood fills two chambers in the penis (known as the corpora cavernosa) an erection occurs. This causes the penis to expand and stiffen, much like a balloon as it is filled with water. The process is triggered by nerve impulses from the brain and genital area. Anything that interferes with these impulses or restricts blood flow to the penis can result in ED.