How To Respond To A Critical Spouse

A lot of couples find it hard to sit down together to have a reasonable conversation without ending up being overtly critical or quarrelling.

Some spouses cannot speak with their partners without raising the tone of their voice. Their eyes get filled with fire because they can’t stand the prodding of their partners.

But as a married person, it is important for you to understand when these mood switches actually begins. Usually when such couples are in conversation, something triggers the fight or negative talk. Every couple has got to understand when and why that swing takes place.

There is a moment in time when you stop listening and become reactive. It is that moment when you stop being in the conversation and switch to ‘fight mode.’  

When people or couples talk, they usually throw up two different kinds of listening modes: 

• The Friendship Mode: Here the feeling is one of calmness, compassion, and loving. The conversation is clear, concise and partners are willing to make compromises. They are willing to be influenced by their partners, to be touched by the feelings of their heart. This builds deep connection. 

• The Judgmental Mode: Here couples become argumentative, defensive, harsh, accusatory, and insists on maintaining their own position. Their point must be accepted as though it is a competition. Sadly, the other partner notices this change and is sure to respond negatively.

So when your spouse is really critical or even abusive and attack you, what can you do? How can you stay friendly when he or she becomes judgmental?

Here’s what to do:

1.         Be attentive to what your spouse is really saying:

Listening is the best way to begin a conversation. Even if your spouse may not be speaking in a soft way as you expect, listen to what he/she is saying. Listen to know the core or crux of their message.

If you begin a conversation from with anger, you are bound to hit a brick wall. So, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

2.         Calmly ask your spouse to slow down and speak in a softer tone:

If your spouse’s tone or accusations cause you to change your mode and attitude, gently ask them to be careful and tone down how they speak and what they say.

It is healthier to nip the problem in the bud than let it blow you and your home apart.

3.         Always step aside or step back:

When a conversation becomes heated or accusatory always retreat. This is not a sign of weakness but wisdom.

Always step back when you notice an argument is brewing. It’s not wise to engage a person on fire in altercations. Nothing good will come from it.

Instead, step back or aside. Let your partner know you are willing to talk about issues when you feel safe and cared for.

It is your responsibility to know when to step aside or step back. This call for mastering your emotions to ensure you remain calm, clear and kindhearted in your conversations

4.         Seek Godly counsel:

A lot of issues we face in life cannot be handled by ourselves. We need others because we simply cannot see or understand some things. Rather than deny we have a problem in our home, especially when it affects your mood, let’s call for trusted help. Yes, trusted godly counselors.

And remember, the process of making your spouse or marriage become less abrasive and critical is a continuous one. Don’t stop until you have achieved the results you are looking for. 

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